Yes. Manday. I promise, this isn’t going to degrade into Cosmo bullshit about 100 Outrageous Ways to Please Your Man, How to Handle Testicles, or 50 of Your Sexiest Sex Qs Answered! I don’t play that game.
No, no. I’m going to talk about your man, because here’s a secret: I live with him.
The facts: I live with two dudes. Both are 21, both are college seniors, both are economics majors, but they’re two very different dudes with very different relationship styles so I am pretty sure I basically know your boyfriend. Because he, too, is a dude. So every week, I’m going to try to let you in on a secret. It’s not that I don’t think you know your man – I’m sure you do! Think of it as insider trading information. The more you know!
This week: They honestly do not hear you when they’re playing Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto.
I’m totally, 100% serious. They are deaf. They are incapable of hearing a word you say, so they will make either incoherent noises (if they’re smart) or say, “Yeah,” (if they’re unaware that they could have just agreed to adopt a chihuahua and name it Miss Paris).
It doesn’t matter if you have the most important information in the entire fucking world to relay to them. If you don’t respectfully make it clear that you need to talk, right now, for a very particular reason, you’re not getting anywhere.
That was the bad news. The good news is that it’s not because he doesn’t like/love you. It’s because his brain just doesn’t function that way. He’s playing a game. He’s not thinking about what movie he wants to see tonight or if your toenail polish matches your fingernail polish or how much the electric bill was last month. He’s totally focused on what he’s doing, and the parts of his brain that would normally pick up on what you’re saying are otherwise engaged.
If you have otherwise good communication with your man, do not make a mountain out of a molehill with this one. You will get so much farther if you just recognize that his brain doesn’t work like yours and he can’t think about dinner reservations while he’s trying to kill pedestrians. If it’s something that requires his immediate attention, nicely ask him to pause – do not try to talk over the game because it will piss both of you off.
Now here’s the big question: How the hell do you know this? I know this because I’m pretty sure my brain is half male. The half that gets really pumped during The Matrix, V for Vendetta, Fight Club, and anywhere you can see Kim Kardashian’s ass. I have awesome focus, but that means that I can’t multitask for shit. If I’m playing a game or reading something and you try to talk to me, I guarantee you that I didn’t hear a word you said. After trying to talk to my room mates about the electric bill while they were shooting each other on our flatscreen, I had a lightbulb moment: They’re just like me!
And so, this column is born.