Dating and Friends

I’m going to put this right out there: Some people suck at having friends and dating at the same time.

Have you ever had a friend who just completely disappeared after meeting Mr./Ms. Right(Now)?  Maybe you’ve been that friend.  Maybe you currently are that friend.  Stop that asshattery right this instant.

I get it, and I’m happy for you.  You’ve met someone that you just can’t stand to be without.  Hell, I have someone in my life that I can’t imagine being apart from.  It’s intoxicating.  New love is amazing, and you want to just cocoon with your lovenugget until you’re both old, grey, and sick of each other.  If you do that, everyone else is going to get sick of you real fast.

Let me tell you something.  Not every activity you and your squeeze do together is a date.  You’re going to get bagels, you’re not headed to the opera.  If you do every single activity that you can think of together, alone, you are annoying to all of your friends who still kind of want to see you every once in a while.

Once you sequester yourselves, you will stop getting invitations to any and all other activities, unless they’re double dates.  Double dating is fine and dandy, but remember your single friends?  Yeah, they feel like shit when you don’t have time to see them anymore now that you’ve pair bonded.  Step away from your lovenugget for one hot second and make some plans.

Furthermore, everything you do with your beloved does not have to be a “date.”  You can invite other people on these outings and make an effort to make them feel comfortable and included.  Believe me, it works. Haven’t you people ever seen How I Met Your Mother??

This is a wakeup call.  Think about the last time you went out with a good friend.  Think about the last time you tried to include someone else in your plans with your lovenugget.  If you can’t remember, pick up your damn phone and send some texts…  Because it’s never too late.


PS: I used the terms “lovenugget”, “squeeze”, and “beloved” because I couldn’t think of any gender-neutral pronouns besides “ou” and some people would be confused by that.  Your lovenugget don’t gotta conform to gender stereotypes and neither do you.

“I just can’t figure out how he feels about me!”

A few days ago, I overheard one girl on my college campus talking to another.

“I just can’t figure out how he feels about me.  When we’re together, it’s great, but then he doesn’t text back and he doesn’t make plans.  But I like him so much!”

It was really difficult for me not to go over and tell her what I’m about to tell you: It doesn’t fucking matter.

Think about it this way.  When you make a new friend, you hit it off immediately.  Often, you exchange numbers, and you might go through an awkward phase where you’re not sure how much texting is normal, but you’re really excited to hang out more.  You see each other at parties, or you invite each other to lunch or to study.  It’s fun and easy.  Why should romance be more difficult than that?

To get another perspective, I asked Steve if he thought there was ever a good reason for a girl not to know how a guy feels about her (obviously, though, this phenomenon is not limited to heterosexual relationships).  He – a great boyfriend – said no, absolutely not.  If she doesn’t know, he’s not into it.

And that’s all you need to know.  It doesn’t matter how much you like them.  If you “win him over”, are you going to be happy?  Or are you going to be worried you have to stay on top of your game to keep him?  That’s not much of a prize, and it’s definitely not much of a relationship.

Some people aren’t very good with communication.  That’s a fact.  But if it’s important to you that you hear from your partner, then you should probably hold out for a partner who will respect that, who either already has a tendency to answer promptly or who is willing to make adjustments for your happiness.

Now, this part is going to sound crude, but it is what it is.  Of course things are great when you’re together – one or both of you is getting what you want.  You both want physical intimacy, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation.  But if one of you wants more and the other one doesn’t, having that intimacy isn’t going to change anything.  You can’t oral sex someone into loving you.

I’m not going to say “guys are ____” because they aren’t.  All men, women, and ous are different.  I will tell you, with confidence, that if the pieces don’t match up, if you don’t want the same things, it’s not going to work, no matter how much you like them.

Ask Me Anything

This isn’t part of a link-up or a meme, but rather something I’m hoping to make a semi-regular (read: every few months) feature.  

I’m looking for your questions about:

Toys and lubes.

Personal health care (testing, best lube/lotion/potion for ___, bath & beauty).

Porn, including porn and relationships.

Relationships and dating.

Mental health and sexuality.


I don’t want to focus this on me.  I want this to be about you.  What do you want to know?  If you raise a big enough question, or if the answer would be too long, I’ll likely turn it into a feature-length post.  And if no one asks questions, this is going to be embarrassing, so get cracking.  Feel free to submit anonymously.


To submit a question:

Tweet at me!

E-mail me!

or just comment!

What I’ve Learned So Far

Hi there long-neglected follower darlings!

I spent Wednesday night through Saturday night in Baltimore with the manfriend, his sister, and her boyfriend.  It was probably the most insane vacation I’ve ever taken, even considering the fact that we went to bed during the PM hours almost every night.  We’re super cool like that.  But seriously, I think I drank my weight in beer, ate my weight in brick oven pizza, and walked about 30 miles.  I’m going to write a full post – including some photos – later this week!

It’s been about a week since we began our official move-in, so obviously I’m now an expert on moving in with your significant other.  Obviously, he hasn’t killed me yet or cast me out into the streets, so I must be doing a pretty good job.

What I’ve Learned So Far:

1. If you’re on completely different schedules, figure out how to make it work – you don’t have to adjust them to match.  I go to sleep around 12, and he joins me around 3.  I sleep like the dead, so maybe this wouldn’t work for everyone, but I personally find it a lot more realistic than trying to make my nightowl boyfriend go to sleep in the PM hours.

2. Don’t be cheap.  I used a quart of milk from his carton last week, but bought a gallon today.  He shares his beer with me, and I make him food sometimes.  Unless you start to feel like you’re supporting your SO unfairly, there’s no reason to squabble over a box of cereal.  It’ll probably even out in the end.

3. Ask for space when you need it, nicely.  Both he and I are introverts, and we’ve acknowledged that there will be times when we’ll need “me time”.  I plan on moving some of my desk and blogging stuff into a spare corner so we can have separate work areas (and oh, idk, so I can watch Pretty Little Liars without judgment…).

4. Related to #2, have a plan for certain expenses.  Manfriend and I have an agreement wherein he buys beer for our consumption, and I buy sex toys/accouterments for our use.  He drinks more beer than I do, and I use more sex toys (and lust after far more) than he does, but we happily share.  (Bonus: If you buy glass or pure silicone, you can completely sanitize your toys and actually share.  So cost effective!)

I’ll be back with more wisdom as I glean it.  Since I’ve sucked on Sundays lately, look forward to a weekly links post tomorrow or Wednesday, too.  I promise, it’ll be jumbo.  Like, world’s biggest dildo jumbo.

Living and Loving Arrangements

Darlings, the last week has been absolutely 100% different from what I anticipated.

Until last Thursday, I was planning to move into my apartment in one of the nice, safe, but boring neighborhoods of Pittsburgh.  I would be moving at the end of the month, living with two guys I didn’t know (but who seemed very sweet from our brief meeting!) and I would hope to save enough money that in case something happened after I graduated and I lost my job at Adam & Eve, I could still pay my bills.  And honestly, it was giving me a stomach ulcer.

Obviously, I made completely sane and balanced decision on Thursday: to move in with my boyfriend.  (I say that with the full knowledge that, holy shit, this is kind of crazy.)  He asked me, I said yes, and by Saturday, we’d found someone to take my spot on the lease for the other place, and half of my things are now moved to our  place.  Our place  is a really weird thing to say, and it makes me feel pretentious.

Yes, please do come to our place for dinner.  Bring a nice cabernet.”

But wait.  If I wasn’t planning on moving until the end of the month, why have I moved half of my things already?  Glad you asked!  There was a sewage leak at my apartment this weekend.  There were puddles of sewage in the laundry room, which is directly next to my apartment’s door.  Ergo, my apartment smelled like feces.  It really was getting ugly in here.  And my management company learned that I am not a woman to be crossed.  (I think the only person who could have scared them more would have been Maggie Smith.)

Ewan absolutely loves his new digs, since he was moved already back on Saturday night when this fiasco began.  He really seems to like running around in “Step Dad’s” big bedroom, and the boyfriend gets most of his kicks from watching Ewan eat Cheerios.  All in all, it’s a pretty good arrangement.

But, let’s be serious.  There’s some nitty-gritty to address here.  We’ve only been together for about three months, so we’re knee-deep in the honeymoon phase.  Some of my very best friends have said they’re not sure if it’s a good idea.  I actually agree.  I’m really not sure.  Honestly, I can’t tell you that this is absolutely, unequivocally the best idea we’ve ever had.  But…

We just get along amazingly.  I’ve never clicked so well with someone, even just doing nothing.  I’m completely sure we will have our first big fight while living together, and I’m really glad I’m moving my bed back to my parents’ house in case we need a weekend apart.  I really do think this is a risk worth taking because from my current perspective, I’d regret not trying it more than seeing it go awry.

Have you ever lived with a significant other?  How did it go?  Any tips?