Life Lately

May 31, 2013 · By · 2 Comments

After two weeks of medication, I am definitely on the upswing. Life is not super easy right now, working two jobs and trying really hard to pay bills and parking tickets, but at least I can get out of bed/the house now and bring myself to regularly dress like I’ve got somewhere to go. I’m so freaking grateful that I’ve received so much awesome support in the last few weeks, from people like Caitlin, Sugarcunt, the Redhead Bedhead, and even my partner’s mom.

Kennywood Black Widow

Saturday May 25th at Kennywood, a Pittsburgh staple. This is the Black Widow, which you could not pay me enough to ride.

This past Thursday, one of my dear friends moved to Albany, NY, with her boyfriend. She’s the one in the green towards the right, pictured above, next to the superblonde (another close friend, shout-out guuurl). I’m super sad about her leaving. She and I lived together last summer and have been through a lot together, but I hope she finds success up in New York. Also, her apartment looks rad so I’m kind of jealous. It has a gym! In the complex! What is this, adulthood!?

Steve and I are gearing up to get the final word on our future. We should have all the necessary information early next week, and I’m hesitant to share too much before that happens. He’s been told to consider it set in stone, but being as cautious as he is, I certainly don’t want to jinx it for him! (Unless I’m Jinkx Monsoon-ing it. Bad joke? I’m going through Drag Race withdrawal.)

I have a couple new projects I’d like to start, but I’ve noticed a curious phenomenon. After working a 4-6 hour shift at Chipotle (yup, second job), I am totally freaking exhausted. Like, sit on the couch and watch 4 episodes of How I Met Your Mother exhausted. God, give me strength. I want to learn to code and design WordPress layouts (I have basic HTML, CSS and Photoshop skills), sell some old clothes on Instagram, and make an effort to blog 2-3x per week. Finally, my ambition is returning!

How has your life been lately? 

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Life Lately

April 15, 2013 · By · 3 Comments

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The store finally opened last Friday!  I worked the opening shift on Friday, and I couldn’t believe how many people swarmed the place.  There were lots of shoppers who didn’t even realize it was our opening weekend, so it’s possible that we’ll remain pretty busy.  By the time I came in for my second shift on Saturday night, we were already out of a couple of products, and the 5 hours flew by like 2.

I haven’t had much time lately to devote to toy testing, and my mind has been way too exhausted to take detailed notes.  Last week, I had training at Lush, then the store opening; between Friday and Saturday, I worked 25 hours.  This week is going to be a lot more relaxed, so I’m hoping to get another review up by this weekend.

I’m currently working on reviewing: CalEx Namaste Harmony, Good Clean Love Cinnamon Vanilla lubricant, Expert G vibrator by Marc Dorcel, So Silicone Dildo by Marc Dorcel, WeVibe Salsa, and Ammo’s Mika vibrator.

…and trying approximately 25 new things from Lush.

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Would you guys totally hate it if I did a roundup of my favorite Lush products in about a month?

 

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Celexa, Anxiety, and Honesty About Mental Health

February 26, 2013 · By · 1 Comment

First of all, I believe in mental health transparency.  That’s not to say that I think it’s your responsibility to disclose the state of your mental health – privacy is very personal – but I don’t believe it’s anything about which you should ever feel ashamed.  I have clinical anxiety.

About a year and a half ago, I began taking a medication that changed my life (Celexa).  I went from a bawling wreck to someone who was emotionally stable enough to learn the basic coping mechanisms that I could never master before.  Before Celexa, I was constantly at a 6-8 on a 1 to 10 anxiety/arousal scale.  If you’ve never had anxiety like that, imagine that you’re constantly in fight or flight mode, constantly feeling like your next step could make or break your entire life.

I’m grateful that the final push came in October of 2011 and I began to take Celexa, and noticed an almost immediate difference.  My concentration improved.  My friendships improved.  My dating life improved tenfold.  It was truly amazing.  After a couple of months, I noticed some less than desirable side effects, but I figured I could live with them.  It became harder for me to orgasm, but I could still do it, so I didn’t want to rock the boat.  I was gaining weight, but I’d also just turned 21, so I blamed my craft beer habit.

I truly believe that without Celexa, I wouldn’t have been able to get to the point that I’m at right now, where I know how to cope when I do have infrequent anxiety attacks.  I know that the world isn’t ending, that I’m loved, and that I need to step back and evaluate objectively.  I know to breathe, play with my dog, grab a book, or go for a walk.  I know that text-barraging my partner will do nothing but annoy him or make him worried about me for little reason.

So, I want to quit.  Admittedly, I have no PCP (primary care physician, not angel dust), and I’m no longer permitted to see the doctor I had been seeing through my university.  I do not advise my readers to quit a medication without discussing it with their doctor.  However, I will be honest: I’m in the process of slowly weaning myself off of my medication.  I’m going from 40mg to 30, then 20, then 10, etc.  My goal is to be off of it completely by April.  (Weaning off slowly helps control withdrawal symptoms, and makes it easier to spot potential health problems.)

I want my sex drive back.  I want to feel up to it more than once or twice a week.  I want to lose the 20lb that Celexa tacked onto my tiny frame.  I want to manage this myself, because I feel up to it now.  I want to use what I learned in the last year and a half and prove that I can do it naturally, and with the help of the strong support group that I’ve built.

I wouldn’t be where I am right now had I not admitted that I needed help.  This isn’t a post about the evils of SSRIs.  If you feel like you’re drowning in worry, and you can’t control it, don’t hesitate to talk to someone.  I think it might have even saved my life.  Because this is a personal blog, and because I like to challenge the preconceptions that we have as a society about “TMI”, I’m sharing this.  I hope it makes a difference to someone.

I hope that if I have any readers who are struggling that they’ll feel comfortable enough to talk to someone.  Hell,email me.  I’m practically surgically attached to my phone.  You have nothing to be ashamed of, and everything to gain.

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It’s My Blogiversary Already!

February 2, 2013 · By · Leave a Comment

One year ago today, I posted on my long-dead blog that I had a big idea for re-opening the blog.  It was actually a very vague and boring post.  I’m not sure why I did it other than to give myself accountability for whether I would indeed come back.

Much like Jesus, I came back three days later and the rest is history.

(Just kidding – I’m totally not that blasphemous!)

If I had my shit together, I would have tried to organize a giveaway.  As it is, I’m sorry, I have no prizes for you, but I am so grateful that I have friends in this community and people who have really helped me to grow.  This is going to turn into an Oscar speech.  Pretty much every day I’m surprised that people continue to read what I write, and more so that it’s not just a) my mom, or b) one-time visitors.  Because before this blog, I was just someone who had an interest in sex toys and had absolutely no public filter or sense of shame.  Now, I have ajob in the industry, I’m attending my first big conference, and it doesn’t matter if I have a public filter because my lack of a private filter gets me free silicone playthings.  Because I have this outlet and this amazing opportunity to make friends, I feel like I’ve really been able to grow a lot, and I really appreciate everyone who comes back here post after post.

This time last year, I had just gone through a surprisingly rough break-up.  I think the need to start the blog really came about as a way to focus on something for which I had big, long-term aspirations.  I had begun reviewing for EdenFantasys in December, when I decided to quit Pure Romance.  My time exclusively on Eden helped me a lot in a couple of ways, but mostly, I needed experience writing and I needed to learn about toys.  I’ve always been naturally inclined for deep research, in which I learned about phthalates and other undesirables.  (I credit Epiphora for learning how to write a review that doesn’t suck.)  Something really shifted in January, though, when I ordered my first premium toy: a JeJoue MiMi (1st generation).  So, with the budding interest in toys and my years-long love for blogs, I decided to come back and really blur the line between lifestyle and sex, feminism and frivolity.

I’m so glad that even with a few short breaks, this blog has been up and running for a year now.  This is a for-profit blog, and I depend a lot on company partnerships for reviewing.  Without companies willing to work with me, especially as a new reviewer, this blog would either be nowhere or drastically different from what it is today.  I can’t believe the generosity in this community, other reviewers and bloggers included.  I really can’t wait to see what comes next.

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On Steve & Myself

January 31, 2013 · By · Leave a Comment

Steve’s not much for Valentine’s Day, so I’m sparing him the indignity and writing this post now.  Being that we live together, he’s a huge part of my life, and I don’t know how much I really talk about him besides his sexual preferences.  (Poor man.  He’s a saint.)  So this is a post about us.

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12/31/12 in St. Louis

We met when I worked at a local coffee shop, but I only knew him as a customer.  He probably frequented the cafe 1-2 times a week for a year.  (Yes, I did think he was cute.)  He moved, I was having my summer of dating, but that’s another story.  In early 2012, I re-joined OKCupid, and after a couple of weeks of a couple dates, I got a message from Steve saying that he recognized me from the cafe and he hoped I didn’t think that was weird.  I actually scheduled and then cancelled our first date.  I rescheduled on a whim in the Giant Eagle parking lot and then panicked and ended up going anyway.

March 2012 had our first date, to our favorite bar.  April 23, I got horrendously drunk with a professor at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, and Steve came to join us.  That night, I asked him if he wanted to be exclusive while doing something I shouldn’t have in his office, then I broke my nose, then I made him stay at my apartment while I slept til 1am, let him leave, and called him back again begging him to come back.  Why is this man currently living with me?  Aren’t those warning signs?

His folly is my fortune, though, because we’ve just passed 9 months of serving up relationship realness.  I moved in with him in July 2012, meaning we’ve spent 2/3 of our relationship together at least 12 hours a day.  Sometimes we just turn to each other and high five.

And all of this is really culminating in the fact that, at some point in the next month or two, we’ll know where we’re moving, if we’re moving, and what we’re going to have to do to make that happen.  There’s a possibility we’ll be in Pittsburgh another year, and there’s a possibility we’ll be jetting to Europe.  The uncertainty makes me insane, but there’s nothing that either of us can do at this point.  Just wait it out.

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