Hi everybody. Let’s take a deep, cathartic breath.
For about a year, I’ve been wrestling with some big things. A year ago, I made some huge changes to my life. Not just that – I became a quitter. I quit my job and I quit a medication that wasn’t working for me. What happened next was amazing: I got into therapy and grad school.
If you know anything at all about stress, you know that even positive changes can produce it. Big, positive things like marriage, moving into a new home, quitting a job that you’ve outgrown… all of these things contribute to stress. I’ve found myself under a mountain of stress in the last year, and rather than letting up, it just keeps changing. I’ve dealt with quitting my job and starting school, but now I’m planning for a field placement and waiting to see where we’re going to be living next 1.
If you know me, you know that I’m a total Type A. I have anxiety, panic disorder, and 25 years’ worth of perfectionism all sloshing around in my brain. Stress hits every single one of those buttons, hard. Feeling like I have little control over the things that stress me out makes this even more complicated. As a result, for months now I’ve been struggling with debilitating perfectionism and social anxiety.
Objectively, I’m the best I’ve ever been by so many societal measures. I’m in grad school, and I have a 4.0. I’m in the best physical shape of my life. I have a partner that I love and our relationship is the best one I’ve ever had. I recently attended an amazing conference where I felt surrounded by love and care.
And yet, I feel so personally disconnected in so many ways. I thought that I had built a safe place for myself here, but instead I feel like I’ve written myself into a corner.I’d love to write about identity, sexuality, communication, love, kinks, and personal journeys. But I’m afraid that if I write anything other than reviews, I’ll be exposed as a self-obsessed fraud.
But I’ve reached a point where I can’t continue feeding this perfectionism and feeling stifled. I want to create quality content, but creativity can only thrive with the rejection of shame. There are so many things that I want to write that end up being gagged and stifled by the perfectionist voice that says No one gives a shit.
If you don’t give a shit, that’s ok. I guess this isn’t for you. But if you’re here for it, I appreciate you so very much and I hope we can explore some exciting new things together.
- Please don’t ask me about this. I appreciate that you care, but I can’t talk about that particular issue of uncertainty right now. ↩