Posts Tagged ‘men’

On Dating and Friends

I’m going to put this right out there: Some people suck at having friends and dating at the same time.

Have you ever had a friend who just completely disappeared after meeting Mr./Ms. Right(Now)?  Maybe you’ve been that friend.  Maybe you currently are that friend.  Stop that asshattery right this instant.

I get it, and I’m happy for you.  You’ve met someone that you just can’t stand to be without.  Hell, I have someone in my life that I can’t imagine being apart from.  It’s intoxicating.  New love is amazing, and you want to just cocoon with your lovenugget until you’re both old, grey, and sick of each other.  If you do that, everyone else is going to get sick of you real fast.

Let me tell you something.  Not every activity you and your squeeze do together is a date.  You’re going to get bagels, you’re not headed to the opera.  If you do every single activity that you can think of together, alone, you are annoying to all of your friends who still kind of want to see you every once in a while.

Once you sequester yourselves, you will stop getting invitations to any and all other activities, unless they’re double dates.  Double dates are fine and dandy, but remember your single friends?  Yeah, they feel like shit when you don’t have time to see them anymore now that you’ve pair bonded.  Step away from your lovenugget for one hot second and make some plans.

Furthermore, everything you do with your beloved does not have to be a “date.”  You can invite other people on these outings and make an effort to make them feel comfortable and included.  Believe me, it works. Haven’t you people ever seen How I Met Your Mother??

This is a wakeup call.  Think about the last time you went out with a good friend.  Think about the last time you tried to include someone else in your plans with your lovenugget.  If you can’t remember, pick up your damn phone and send some texts.  Because it’s never too late.


PS: I used the terms “lovenugget”, “squeeze”, and “beloved” because I couldn’t think of any gender-neutral pronouns besides “ou” and some people would be confused by that.  Your lovenugget don’t gotta conform to gender stereotypes and neither do you.

“I just can’t figure out how he feels about me!”

A few days ago, I overheard one girl on my college campus talking to another.

“I just can’t figure out how he feels about me.  When we’re together, it’s great, but then he doesn’t text back and he doesn’t make plans.  But I like him so much!”

It was really difficult for me not to go over and tell her what I’m about to tell you: It doesn’t fucking matter.

Think about it this way.  When you make a new friend, you hit it off immediately.  Often, you exchange numbers, and you might go through an awkward phase where you’re not sure how much texting is normal, but you’re really excited to hang out more.  You see each other at parties, or you invite each other to lunch or to study.  It’s fun and easy.  Why should romance be more difficult than that?

To get another perspective, I asked Steve if he thought there was ever a good reason for a girl not to know how a guy feels about her (obviously, though, this phenomenon is not limited to heterosexual relationships).  He – a great boyfriend – said no, absolutely not.  If she doesn’t know, he’s not into it.

And that’s all you need to know.  It doesn’t matter how much you like them.  If you “win him over”, are you going to be happy?  Or are you going to be worried you have to stay on top of your game to keep him?  That’s not much of a prize, and it’s definitely not much of a relationship.

Some people aren’t very good with communication.  That’s a fact.  But if it’s important to you that you hear from your partner, then you should probably hold out for a partner who will respect that, who either already has a tendency to answer promptly or who is willing to make adjustments for your happiness.

Now, this part is going to sound crude, but it is what it is.  Of course things are great when you’re together – one or both of you is getting what you want.  You both want physical intimacy, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation.  But if one of you wants more and the other one doesn’t, having that intimacy isn’t going to change anything.  You can’t oral sex someone into loving you.

I’m not going to say “guys are ____” because they aren’t.  All men, women, and ous are different.  I will tell you, with confidence, that if the pieces don’t match up, if you don’t want the same things, it’s not going to work, no matter how much you like them.

Love my Academic, Hate Conferences

Every time a conference rolls around, I totally lose Steve for about a week and a half.  It hasn’t helped that we’ve not had Internet access for a full week now, which is usually how I entertain myself when I have no schoolwork to do.  I’ve spent about $40 at various coffee shops in the last week, which has been delicious, but not really ideal.

Anyway, if you’re part of a couple or if you ever have been, chances are you’ve dealt with schedule conflicts and busyness.  I think we probably have it a bit easier because we live together, so we’re at least in proximity to each other very frequently, but if that’s not quality time it can still feel lonely.  We settle into routines, like Ru Paul’s Drag Race on Netflix before bed (Pandora Boxx should have won Season 2).  And I don’t know about you, but I am a person who requires a lot of upkeep.  My regular, close circle of friends I talk to at least once a week, if not every day.  If I want to go out, I will hunt someone down and take them out with me, because there are times that I just need good company. One might say I’m high maintenance.

This is inherently problematic when I show up in our den in cute panties and find my boyfriend immersed in some kind of math program that I really don’t understand or care to.  Contrary to what the media tells us, men cannot always be torn from their work by a lady.  Some men gotta get shit done.

After making it through 5 or so conferences together, I have a system.  I’m not sure if it’s the same system he employs, but it seems to work.  It’s not very romantic, but it gets the job done: I schedule time.  The time commitment of an hour, or two hours, is concrete and easy to conceptualize.  Of course we can take an hour for couples’ time.  Just the idea of putting a cap on it makes it far more manageable.  Taking an hour away from his papers can give him a fresh perspective when he returns, and it makes me feel cared for.

I’m telling you.  The power of an hour.

Ask Sarah Part 1: Where we talk about Porn

Hi all!  I got a lot of responses to Ask Sarah asking about porn, and I’m excited about it.

First of all, I do feel like pornography can be degrading, to both women and men.  There’s no shortage of misogynist porn, and even downright violent porn, out there.  But these directors and companies should not ruin porn for you as a whole, because there are a lot of performers and other directors out there looking to improve the feminist porn experience.  What I look for in solid feminist porn is women (and men!) genuinely having a good time; performers who have good chemistry and appear to be comfortable on set and with each other are key.

I’ve heard the statement, “I don’t want him/her using porn instead of being sexual with me,” a lot.  And that’s a completely valid concern.  Trusting your partner is key.  I have no idea how much porn my boyfriend watches, but we have a healthy sex life, so it’s not a concern of mine.  It’s very rare for two people to have sex drives that completely match up – if one person wants more sex than the other, then porn is a very viable option to keep the relationship happy and healthy.  The best advice anyone can give a couple is to have open communication.  I have no experience with porn addiction, so I don’t feel comfortable addressing that topic yet.

love  watching porn as a couple.  It’s definitely a bonding experience, and it’s very interesting to take turns choosing the flick.  You get to see a little of what your partner likes, and maybe get some ideas.  It just adds something different to what can become a routine.  If you’re interested in exploring porn as a couple, I suggest grabbing some lube, a vibrator, and maybe a stroker if you have a male partner.  Masturbating together, teasing each other, or getting each other off during porn is a lot of fun, and it ensures that no one feels left out.  Remember, your sex life isn’t entirely made up of intercourse.

If you have a hard time getting off, or even getting aroused by, traditional porn, you might be more interested in another niche or genre.  I have very little interest in hardcore porn, but I love the softer stuff available through Abby Winters.  Conversely, someone else might prefer the harder, but equally female-friendly, Meet the Mayhems (a real couple, in mad love and lust, making porn together).  If you’re looking for queer porn, or porn that includes performers of all gender identities and sexual orientations, you should check out the Crashpad Series or one of Courtney Trouble‘s sites.

If you do like more mainstream porn, but are looking for a better male performance, check out James Deen.  He’s been the darling of the internet somewhat recently, and really takes care to make sure that his female costars have a good time on set.  Also, he’s actually sexy.  A sexy man, in mainstream porn.  I know, you need a moment to retrieve your jaw from the floor.

Your enjoyment of porn has a lot to do with just finding the right kind of porn for you.  If you or your partner is interested in experimenting, take a look around.  Just because you don’t like Bree Olson doesn’t mean you can’t find a star or a studio that you love.

Good luck!  Go explore the pornucopia.

You can call me a slut.

If you’ve read my post on being sex-positive, you know that I don’t have any qualms with sexuality.  I’ve also mentioned a couple of times on my blog that I don’t tolerate slut-shaming, and if you follow me on Twitter, you’ll see lots of Tweets and re-Tweets on the topic.  It’s something I feel very strongly about.

The word slut is very problematic.  It’s been used against us, as women and as girls.  We were probably taught growing up that it’s a catch-all insult, because no one wants to be a slut.  You didn’t even have to have a reason to call someone a slut, or to be called a slut yourself; but if the rumor spread, it stuck.

Lately, I’ve been wondering what people actually think a slut is.  Does a slut sleep around?  Does she talk about sex?  Does she have sex without romance, or without expectation of feelings?  Can you dress like a slut?  If you’re called a slut and someone comes to your defense to say that you’re not, because you’re monogamous or because you’re responsible, what does that say?

I’ve been seeing this posting around the internet recently.  It says, “Too many girls want attention, not enough want respect.”  Excuse me?  I was unaware that you were so apt to read my mind, to decode my intentions, and to police my behavior.  How does a person claim to know what another wants?  This is a very thinly veiled, very dangerous form of slut-shaming.

I actually asked one of the people who posted it – a 22 year old guy – what he thought it meant.  The basic idea of his answer (I will not post it verbatim because I do not have permission to do so) was that it’s easy to tell when a girl wants attention, because she acts and dresses like it.  Happily, another woman of similar feminist leanings stepped in, and together we tried to have a legitimate discourse on the idea of attentions vs respect.  (This of course ended with me being blocked, because I’m rabid, obviously.)

Quite frankly, if I am unable to earn or keep your respect based on my intellect, my diction, my drive, or my respect for you, I have no interest in your respect.  If my job, my blog, my toy collection, my short shorts, or my tattoo are going to damn me in your eyes, then your respect is not worth earning.  The idea that we have to chase the respect of people who have already decided against us is a powerful idea that keeps us running on this hamster wheel of patriarchy.

Maybe I am a slut.  I like sex, and I like talking about sex so that I can learn more (about sex).  I have my own reasons for the choices I make, and they usually have nothing to do with outside attention or respect.  In fact, the respect that I’m so concerned about maintaining is my own.  If I can’t look myself in the eye every morning and every night, then I’ve failed.  If I called someone a slut, if I tried to place another woman into a simplified box so that I could categorize her and break her down, I would not be able to respect myself.

So you can call me a slut.  You can also call me a feminist, a free thinker, and a woman with more to worry about than what anyone thinks about her choices.

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