Dating and Friends

I’m going to put this right out there: Some people suck at having friends and dating at the same time.

Have you ever had a friend who just completely disappeared after meeting Mr./Ms. Right(Now)?  Maybe you’ve been that friend.  Maybe you currently are that friend.  Stop that asshattery right this instant.

I get it, and I’m happy for you.  You’ve met someone that you just can’t stand to be without.  Hell, I have someone in my life that I can’t imagine being apart from.  It’s intoxicating.  New love is amazing, and you want to just cocoon with your lovenugget until you’re both old, grey, and sick of each other.  If you do that, everyone else is going to get sick of you real fast.

Let me tell you something.  Not every activity you and your squeeze do together is a date.  You’re going to get bagels, you’re not headed to the opera.  If you do every single activity that you can think of together, alone, you are annoying to all of your friends who still kind of want to see you every once in a while.

Once you sequester yourselves, you will stop getting invitations to any and all other activities, unless they’re double dates.  Double dating is fine and dandy, but remember your single friends?  Yeah, they feel like shit when you don’t have time to see them anymore now that you’ve pair bonded.  Step away from your lovenugget for one hot second and make some plans.

Furthermore, everything you do with your beloved does not have to be a “date.”  You can invite other people on these outings and make an effort to make them feel comfortable and included.  Believe me, it works. Haven’t you people ever seen How I Met Your Mother??

This is a wakeup call.  Think about the last time you went out with a good friend.  Think about the last time you tried to include someone else in your plans with your lovenugget.  If you can’t remember, pick up your damn phone and send some texts…  Because it’s never too late.


PS: I used the terms “lovenugget”, “squeeze”, and “beloved” because I couldn’t think of any gender-neutral pronouns besides “ou” and some people would be confused by that.  Your lovenugget don’t gotta conform to gender stereotypes and neither do you.

“I just can’t figure out how he feels about me!”

A few days ago, I overheard one girl on my college campus talking to another.

“I just can’t figure out how he feels about me.  When we’re together, it’s great, but then he doesn’t text back and he doesn’t make plans.  But I like him so much!”

It was really difficult for me not to go over and tell her what I’m about to tell you: It doesn’t fucking matter.

Think about it this way.  When you make a new friend, you hit it off immediately.  Often, you exchange numbers, and you might go through an awkward phase where you’re not sure how much texting is normal, but you’re really excited to hang out more.  You see each other at parties, or you invite each other to lunch or to study.  It’s fun and easy.  Why should romance be more difficult than that?

To get another perspective, I asked Steve if he thought there was ever a good reason for a girl not to know how a guy feels about her (obviously, though, this phenomenon is not limited to heterosexual relationships).  He – a great boyfriend – said no, absolutely not.  If she doesn’t know, he’s not into it.

And that’s all you need to know.  It doesn’t matter how much you like them.  If you “win him over”, are you going to be happy?  Or are you going to be worried you have to stay on top of your game to keep him?  That’s not much of a prize, and it’s definitely not much of a relationship.

Some people aren’t very good with communication.  That’s a fact.  But if it’s important to you that you hear from your partner, then you should probably hold out for a partner who will respect that, who either already has a tendency to answer promptly or who is willing to make adjustments for your happiness.

Now, this part is going to sound crude, but it is what it is.  Of course things are great when you’re together – one or both of you is getting what you want.  You both want physical intimacy, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation.  But if one of you wants more and the other one doesn’t, having that intimacy isn’t going to change anything.  You can’t oral sex someone into loving you.

I’m not going to say “guys are ____” because they aren’t.  All men, women, and ous are different.  I will tell you, with confidence, that if the pieces don’t match up, if you don’t want the same things, it’s not going to work, no matter how much you like them.

Living and Loving Arrangements

Darlings, the last week has been absolutely 100% different from what I anticipated.

Until last Thursday, I was planning to move into my apartment in one of the nice, safe, but boring neighborhoods of Pittsburgh.  I would be moving at the end of the month, living with two guys I didn’t know (but who seemed very sweet from our brief meeting!) and I would hope to save enough money that in case something happened after I graduated and I lost my job at Adam & Eve, I could still pay my bills.  And honestly, it was giving me a stomach ulcer.

Obviously, I made completely sane and balanced decision on Thursday: to move in with my boyfriend.  (I say that with the full knowledge that, holy shit, this is kind of crazy.)  He asked me, I said yes, and by Saturday, we’d found someone to take my spot on the lease for the other place, and half of my things are now moved to our  place.  Our place  is a really weird thing to say, and it makes me feel pretentious.

Yes, please do come to our place for dinner.  Bring a nice cabernet.”

But wait.  If I wasn’t planning on moving until the end of the month, why have I moved half of my things already?  Glad you asked!  There was a sewage leak at my apartment this weekend.  There were puddles of sewage in the laundry room, which is directly next to my apartment’s door.  Ergo, my apartment smelled like feces.  It really was getting ugly in here.  And my management company learned that I am not a woman to be crossed.  (I think the only person who could have scared them more would have been Maggie Smith.)

Ewan absolutely loves his new digs, since he was moved already back on Saturday night when this fiasco began.  He really seems to like running around in “Step Dad’s” big bedroom, and the boyfriend gets most of his kicks from watching Ewan eat Cheerios.  All in all, it’s a pretty good arrangement.

But, let’s be serious.  There’s some nitty-gritty to address here.  We’ve only been together for about three months, so we’re knee-deep in the honeymoon phase.  Some of my very best friends have said they’re not sure if it’s a good idea.  I actually agree.  I’m really not sure.  Honestly, I can’t tell you that this is absolutely, unequivocally the best idea we’ve ever had.  But…

We just get along amazingly.  I’ve never clicked so well with someone, even just doing nothing.  I’m completely sure we will have our first big fight while living together, and I’m really glad I’m moving my bed back to my parents’ house in case we need a weekend apart.  I really do think this is a risk worth taking because from my current perspective, I’d regret not trying it more than seeing it go awry.

Have you ever lived with a significant other?  How did it go?  Any tips?

I Dunno, Cupid…

By 0 , , , , Permalink 0

Hi pretties!

It’s been a very long time since I posted about this, but it’s exciting so I feel like broaching it again: online dating.  I don’t think I’ve ever addressed here, properly, why I like it and why I don’t think it’s just for crazy cat ladies.

I’ve actually met some nice, normal guys online.  Specifically, on OKCupid.  It’s free, and there are a lot of students – both undergrad and graduate – in my area.  Perfect, really, for casually dating or looking for something more serious.  I swear!  It’s true!  Guys who have respected me, had life goals, and carried on great conversations!  They just weren’t the guys for me – and that’s okay.

If you have the chance to check out someone’s profile before you go out, you can tell at least a couple of things about them.  In my experience, people’s pictures are pretty accurate.  I’ve never met up with someone and thought, “Wait, that’s him?”  Usually, people at least try to give you a decent idea of who they are.  You can find out if you have a couple of surface-level commonalities to at least get the conversation ball rolling, and it’s usually decently simple to weed out the guys looking for just sex and find guys actually looking for a date.  (I know!  I know!  Dates!)

I’ve heard this little pearl of wisdom more times than I can count: “Friends first.”  Here’s the thing about dating your friends: you can’t go out on a date – usually – and just take things back to normal if things don’t go well.  You actually stand a chance of losing a friend if you try and fail to date them.  Sometimes, this works out awesomely and you get to be best friends with benefits and commitment so like, you can cook dinner and then when you get food poisoning and can’t have sex later, you’re ok saying, “Hey, babe, I just vommed.  Maybe tomorrow.”  With a new dude, that’s intimidating.  So yes, sometimes this works very well.  But often, you lose friends.  It’s also confusing for people like me who like to know where things stand.  Does he have feelings for you?  Does he want to take it further?  Do you?  What does it all mean?

If you start on a dating site, you have at least a decent idea of what the other person wants.  They either want sex, a date, or a relationship.  They may not know which of those three they want, but they probably don’t want to just be friends.  So, if you go out once and you’re like, “Nah, dog,” it’s okay.  You don’t have to see him again if you don’t want to!  You can just keep going on dates with new dudes and practice your rad date skills ’til you meet a dude you want to go on a date #2, 3, 4, 5, and sex with! It’s grand!  Trust me!

Ok, fine, I admit – there’s a dark side to online dating.  Some people are weird.  Really weird.  If you’re curious, I actually once posted about my very first OKCupid date, which was not so nice.  But I promise you, if you do some decent messaging back and forth and listen to your gut, you will run into one, maybe two total weirdos.  And you will meet some decent people, even if you don’t end up with them.  I firmly believe it was a great experience for me to learn to casually go on dates and enjoy myself with new people.

I’m really sorry if this post was horribly disorganized!  It was a very long day.  I had an intermediate microeconomics exam this morning, wherein my brain decided it hated algebra and screw that, it wasn’t doin’ it.

Have you ever tried online dating?  What did you think?  Are you skeptical?

Safe & sexy,


Manday: Take Two

By 0 , , , , Permalink 0

So I have a lovely reader/friend/Swede who reminded me that today is, in fact, MANDAY.  …Basically, what I’m getting at is that I didn’t really have a plan for this Manday so I’m kind of flopping around wildly asking the men I know, “What should women know about men?” And getting answers like, “I don’t know anything about men.”  (This is what I have to work with, people.)

Then I asked one of the guys I had a thing with over the summer, with whom I’m on good terms, and he said that guys don’t care about your whiney needs.  I’m pretty certain that accounts for a solid 15% of why we are now Just Friends.  And then he said that men will change their behavior when a woman thinks she’s figured it out.  I, personally, think he’s bullshitting, because he’s going to law school so that’s basically what he’s going to someday be paid to do.

What am I actually going to talk about for Manday?  The delicate art of the Walkaway.

You’ve probably used the Walkaway correctly and incorrectly at some point in your dating life.  It’s one technique, but it has the power to completely blow up in your face.  With great power comes great responsibility.

The good:

You’re in an argument with your significant other.  Things are heated, and you know that you personally are about to say some things you’re going to regret.  The good Walkaway begins with, “Honey, I can’t talk about this right now.  I need to cool off.  We can talk again in ________ minutes/hours.  Ok?”

You’ve effectively expressed that you need to relax and that you are willing to talk, just not right now.  And at this point, once he’s agreed because he understands (hopefully), you can walk away.

The bad:

You’re in the same argument with your significant other.  You’re still getting heated, and you know you’re going to say something you can’t take back.  The bad Walkaway is when you make some kind of threatening noise or say something mean, and just straight walk away.  No explanation, no warning, just walk away.

This is bad because it totally shuts the lines of communication and quite frankly is a bit selfish.  You might cool off, but your significant other is just wondering what the fuck happened and is probably getting more worked up as a result of you bookin’ it.

I believe that when properly executed, the Walkaway is a great tool when you find yourself in a situation that could easily boil over for little to no reason.  In my experience, guys aren’t exactly keen to fight or argue with you, so they’ll happily take the necessary cool down time if it means getting back to good terms later.

Ok.  I’m cheating, because I didn’t learn this from living with dudes.  I learned it because I did a very bad Walkaway from my dude the other night.  Because he’s a rather good dude if I may say so, he came after me and we worked it out.  But I really learned the importance of the Walkaway.

Anyone else a fan of the Walkaway?  Do you have a policy with your partner about heated arguments?