I Dunno, Cupid…

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Hi pretties!

It’s been a very long time since I posted about this, but it’s exciting so I feel like broaching it again: online dating.  I don’t think I’ve ever addressed here, properly, why I like it and why I don’t think it’s just for crazy cat ladies.

I’ve actually met some nice, normal guys online.  Specifically, on OKCupid.  It’s free, and there are a lot of students – both undergrad and graduate – in my area.  Perfect, really, for casually dating or looking for something more serious.  I swear!  It’s true!  Guys who have respected me, had life goals, and carried on great conversations!  They just weren’t the guys for me – and that’s okay.

If you have the chance to check out someone’s profile before you go out, you can tell at least a couple of things about them.  In my experience, people’s pictures are pretty accurate.  I’ve never met up with someone and thought, “Wait, that’s him?”  Usually, people at least try to give you a decent idea of who they are.  You can find out if you have a couple of surface-level commonalities to at least get the conversation ball rolling, and it’s usually decently simple to weed out the guys looking for just sex and find guys actually looking for a date.  (I know!  I know!  Dates!)

I’ve heard this little pearl of wisdom more times than I can count: “Friends first.”  Here’s the thing about dating your friends: you can’t go out on a date – usually – and just take things back to normal if things don’t go well.  You actually stand a chance of losing a friend if you try and fail to date them.  Sometimes, this works out awesomely and you get to be best friends with benefits and commitment so like, you can cook dinner and then when you get food poisoning and can’t have sex later, you’re ok saying, “Hey, babe, I just vommed.  Maybe tomorrow.”  With a new dude, that’s intimidating.  So yes, sometimes this works very well.  But often, you lose friends.  It’s also confusing for people like me who like to know where things stand.  Does he have feelings for you?  Does he want to take it further?  Do you?  What does it all mean?

If you start on a dating site, you have at least a decent idea of what the other person wants.  They either want sex, a date, or a relationship.  They may not know which of those three they want, but they probably don’t want to just be friends.  So, if you go out once and you’re like, “Nah, dog,” it’s okay.  You don’t have to see him again if you don’t want to!  You can just keep going on dates with new dudes and practice your rad date skills ’til you meet a dude you want to go on a date #2, 3, 4, 5, and sex with! It’s grand!  Trust me!

Ok, fine, I admit – there’s a dark side to online dating.  Some people are weird.  Really weird.  If you’re curious, I actually once posted about my very first OKCupid date, which was not so nice.  But I promise you, if you do some decent messaging back and forth and listen to your gut, you will run into one, maybe two total weirdos.  And you will meet some decent people, even if you don’t end up with them.  I firmly believe it was a great experience for me to learn to casually go on dates and enjoy myself with new people.

I’m really sorry if this post was horribly disorganized!  It was a very long day.  I had an intermediate microeconomics exam this morning, wherein my brain decided it hated algebra and screw that, it wasn’t doin’ it.

Have you ever tried online dating?  What did you think?  Are you skeptical?

Safe & sexy,


Happy Manday

Yes.  Manday.  I promise, this isn’t going to degrade into Cosmo bullshit about 100 Outrageous Ways to Please Your Man, How to Handle Testicles, or 50 of Your Sexiest Sex Qs Answered!  I don’t play that game.

No, no.  I’m going to talk about your man, because here’s a secret: I live with him.

The facts:  I live with two dudes.  Both are 21, both are college seniors, both are economics majors, but they’re two very different dudes with very different relationship styles so I am pretty sure I basically know your boyfriend.  Because he, too, is a dude.  So every week, I’m going to try to let you in on a secret.  It’s not that I don’t think you know your man – I’m sure you do!  Think of it as insider trading information.  The more you know!

This week:  They honestly do not hear you when they’re playing Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto.

I’m totally, 100% serious.  They are deaf.  They are incapable of hearing a word you say, so they will make either incoherent noises (if they’re smart) or say, “Yeah,” (if they’re unaware that they could have just agreed to adopt a chihuahua and name it Miss Paris).

It doesn’t matter if you have the most important information in the entire fucking world to relay to them.  If you don’t respectfully make it clear that you need to talk, right now, for a very particular reason, you’re not getting anywhere.

That was the bad news.  The good news is that it’s not because he doesn’t like/love you.  It’s because his brain just doesn’t function that way.  He’s playing a game.  He’s not thinking about what movie he wants to see tonight or if your toenail polish matches your fingernail polish or how much the electric bill was last month.  He’s totally focused on what he’s doing, and the parts of his brain that would normally pick up on what you’re saying are otherwise engaged.

If you have otherwise good communication with your man, do not make a mountain out of a molehill with this one.  You will get so much farther if you just recognize that his brain doesn’t work like yours and he can’t think about dinner reservations while he’s trying to kill pedestrians.  If it’s something that requires his immediate attention, nicely ask him to pause – do not try to talk over the game because it will piss both of you off.

Now here’s the big question: How the hell do you know this?  I know this because I’m pretty sure my brain is half male.  The half that gets really pumped during The Matrix, V for Vendetta, Fight Club, and anywhere you can see Kim Kardashian’s ass.  I have awesome focus, but that means that I can’t multitask for shit.  If I’m playing a game or reading something and you try to talk to me, I guarantee you that I didn’t hear a word you said.  After trying to talk to my room mates about the electric bill while they were shooting each other on our flatscreen, I had a lightbulb moment: They’re just like me!

And so, this column is born.

Summer of Casual Dating

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What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Well, if you’ve visited my About page, you know that I took a picture in a bikini with my bichon/poodle mutt.  BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!  Please, sit down for this announcement.  I’m serious.  And while you’re at it, tape your jaw shut.

…I was casual dating all summer.  Does anyone need me to pass the smelling salts?

I know.  You probably thought casually dating was dead.  A colleague said, “How very Seinfeld of you!”  Personally, I was going more for Ally McBeal.

casual dating

This was my face.  All summer.  I was so sultry.

So, I did what any sultry, would-be casual dater would do: I joined OKCupid.  And I at least tried to present myself as a normal human female with interests, goals, dreams, and not too much décolletage.

People often ask me what my goal for Casual (Dating) Summer 2011 was, and to that I say, “To not have a Lifetime movie made about my horrible, grisly demise.”  Really, my number one concern was personal safety, because I, too, have heard of the Craigslist Killer.  Obviously, I succeeded, because I am now blogging about it.  Moving on…

Funny story time.  (Yeah, you had to read all that to hear a funny story. You had to earn this shit.)  My first OKCupid date began, 15 minutes in, with a story about how the guy had recently purchased a Fleshlight, how his parents had found the box, and how his dad had lectured him about not respecting women.  Yes.  That’s what he chose to present to me on a first date.  Another gem?  “So like, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person to ever get a job by virtue of the fact that I’m white and I have a penis.”

casual datingAnother situationally-appropriate Ally face.

Ok, so after I literally ran away from this fucker, and into my scary-looking, shaved-headed, mustachioed, heart-of-gold friend Rob’s car, things got a lot better.  I began to go on dates with nice, normal guys who talked about things like their majors, their families, their cats with funny names, and their beer preferences.  We got coffee, lunch, dinner, and sometimes a walk in the park.  This one time, a cook at an upscale Italian restaurant cooked for me.  We had grass-fed steak, risotto, and asparagus.

casual datingAnd this was my face that night.  Until he lost interest in conversation and tried another route.

Ok, so he ended up not being very charming.  That’s fine.  It was a damn good meal that I didn’t have to pay for.  We saw each other several times after that, but it never really developed into anything, and fizzled out before it got dramatic.  In fact, during the course of my four month experiment, I met a lot of really nice guys that I’m now proud to call my friends and acquaintances.

So, what was the point of that?  What I really wanted to do was just learn how to date.  I wanted to go on a bad date, not like a guy, not call or text him back, and go on my merry way.  Selfish?  Guilty, as charged (ha, legal humor, Ally McBeal). But further more, I wanted to learn distance.  I wanted to learn how to get to know someone before getting invested.  I wanted to create some distance between myself and my last relationship.  I wanted to learn emotional independence.  I wanted to learn how to recognize the big red flags that stare us in the face day after day, which we choose to ignore because he’s really cute or because he played us a Johnny Cash song on his guitar.  I wanted to learn what I was looking for, and the results surprised me.

Have you tried casual dating?  What about internet dating?


I Like Other Things, Too

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I just started a new job (I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post about it here, so for now, I’ll keep it underwraps) in addition to my regular part time job, IN ADDITION to me being a full-time student.  So right now I really like anything that helps me de-stress.  This post is either going to turn into ladies’ spa day or nonsensical ranting.  I’m going to take the initiative and go for door number one.  Dudes, feel free to exit.

Who likes nail polish?  Sarah likes nail polish.  I do, I do, I do-ooh.  What are my picks for this season?  They’re not in a single damn way different from my picks for other seasons because in my opinion, there are two routes to take with polish: conservative pale pink and shit that really seriously grabs attention and makes people wonder about you.

I didn’t realize that I had ten favorite nail polishes until I picked them and counted them for this post about five seconds ago.  They’re split half and half between pinks/neutrals and almost questionable decisions.

Pinks and Neutrals:

1. Essie in Ballet Slippers (~$8)  – This is iconic.  This is Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday when she’s a princess and not when she’s pretending not to be.  You will look professional and respectable but it’s very likely that no one will notice your nail color, and sometimes, that’s okay.

2. Rimmel Lasting Finish Pro in Sunset Orange (~$4)  – This goes on amazingly smooth, comes with a great brush, and really lasts.  The color is a very flattering warm-toned coral and would look great with most skin tones.

3. Essie in Forget Me Nots (~$8)  – It’s a classic Barbie pink.  I don’t think I need to say any more.

4. Sally Hanson Insta-Dri in Petal Pusher (~$5)  – This color is nearly identical to Ballet Slippers but it dries in about five minutes flat.  It doesn’t have great wear, but if you’re headed out the door and have a few minutes to spare, it will definitely do the job.  About half of my bottle is gone after finding myself in that situation so many times.

5. Rimmel Lasting Finish Pro in Burgundy Flirt (~$4) – It’s the same formulation as Sunset Orange, above, but it’s a beautiful dark wine color.  If anything has to be “my pick for Fall”, this would be it.  But wines are always in in the fall.  And if you’re a girl in college, wine is always in, in so many ways.  Cheers!

Holy Shit, Look at That!

Essie in Mint Candy Apple (~$8)  – If you ever want a boy to comment on your nails, buy this polish.  Men actually go out of their way to tell me that they like it, because it’s such an unexpected pop of color.  (Well, they just say they like it.  I assume it’s because it’s an unexpected pop of color.  I don’t receive compliments from Tim Gunn, so I have to draw my own fashion and beauty conclusions.)  Anyway, it’s a pastel mint green and it’s baller.

Orly in Prince Charming (no idea)  – This is a polarizing color; some people love it, and some people hate it.  It goes on smoothly, takes about 3 coats, and comes out a nice brownish taupe.  It’s almost matte but not quite.

OPI in Russian Navy (~$10)  – If you could bottle both beauty and punk rock, and shake ’em up til they’re evenly mixed, this would be the result.  It’s a deep, rich navy blue with shimmer that gives it great dimension.  Worth all 1,000 cents.  It makes a great color for a pedicure if you’re not ready to commit to putting it on your hands.

China Glaze in Lemon Fizz (no idea)  – At first, I was afraid I would look like I had some kind of nasty nail fungus, but that’s not at all the case.  It’s actually quite pretty.  The formula goes on nicely, gives you a few solid days of not chipping, and comes off easily.

China Glaze in For Audrey (no idea)  – I had to buy it.  It’s For Audrey, for Pete’s sake.  As you might have guessed, it’s almost exactly Tiffany blue.

What are some of your favorite nail polish colors and brands?