Posts Tagged ‘humor’

11 Things

THE RULES:

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.

3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.

4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.

5. Go to their blog/twitter and tell them that you’ve tagged them.

Image

 

1. I thought my favorite color was green until I realized a few days ago that everything I buy anymore is purple.  Apparently, my favorite color is purple.

2. I want a cat more than anything else in the world.  My parents are allergic and I’ll be moving back home after college for just a little while until I get on my feet, so I definitely won’t be able to afford a cat for a bit, but when I can get one, I want to name it either Alot (see: Hyperbole and a Half) or Hayek (an Austrian economist).  Big, lazy, cuddly cats are my favorites.

3. Recently, I discovered that I prefer shooting with my film SLR (which is from the 1970s) to shooting with my DSLR (which is from 2010).  I feel like a total hipster jackass saying this, but it’s just so different.  If you’ve never tried film photography, I recommend picking up an older SLR (a Canon, Nikon, or Minolta) and giving it a go.  It’s so exciting when you get to pick up your rolls.

4. I love beer.  My favorite beers include Mad Elf, Dogfish Head 90 Minute, Victory Golden Monkey, Sam Adams Cherry Wheat, and lately, I’ve been really like Belgians, especially ones with fruity notes.  I love stouts, too.  And when it comes to ubercheap beer, I don’t think you can beat a PBR or a Duquesne Pilsner.  

5. I have/had really bad generalized anxiety.  My arousal level was pretty much constantly at a 6/10, so little things would take me way up to an 8 or 9.  I’ve had a couple of panic attacks, but anxiety attacks for me were really harsh and could last for hours.  I finally told my counselor I’d been seeing for it that I was having problems concentrating and thought I might need more than talk therapy, so I’ve been taking medication for it (daily antidepressants, not anti-anxiety drugs) and I feel infinitely better.  It really bothers me that there’s such a stigma against taking these medications.  I just know that I feel a million times better than I have in the last several years.

6. The college I go to was originally my last choice school.  Ha.  By the time I actually visited, though, I absolutely fell in love.  I visited after I got accepted, and I had applied purely on a whim and to have an extra safety.  It was the only school I really felt at home at, and people were so, so welcoming.  I applied to 4 schools: Tulane, University of Pittsburgh, Carnegie Melon University, and Notre Dame.  I got into the first two, and was rejected by the second two.  I wish I had applied to more schools, but I’ve been so happy at Pitt, and I wouldn’t change that.

7. I’m very close to my parents.  I’m an only child and both of my parents have always been a really big part of my life, always very involved.  I love and respect my parents more than anyone.

8. I have really bizarre luck.  My friend Rob says that I lead a charmed life.  That may or may not be so haha.  When I quit my high paying retail job in October of 2010, I didn’t have another job lined up, but I did need one.  Three weeks later, I got a text from my friend Jess asking if I wanted to come work with her.  I’ve been working at that cafe for a 15 months now, and I’ve never had a job I’ve loved more.

9. You probably won’t see many outfit posts on Marvelous Darling, because I’m very self conscious about my feet and the fact that I can rarely find cute shoes.  I have two completely different sized feet: my left is a kids’ 11 and my right is a womens 6.  I can walk and run just fine, and I have special orthotics to keep my bone structure from screwing up my knees and back, but as you can imagine, it’s hell trying to be stylish.  I’m very blessed to live in the means that I do, where I can afford medical care, but as selfish and first world as this sounds, sometimes a girl just wants a pair of heels, y’know?

10. I turn into a puddle of goo over dogs, especially pit bulls.  I love pit bulls.  But I love them so much that I usually can’t get the full two words to come out of my mouth and I end up saying “pibbles.”  They’re such good dogs.

11. I have two middle names, legally.  I think one is supposed to be a confirmation name, but they’re both on my birth certificate and my social security card, and I use them both.  This is why I can’t have anything monogrammed.

11 Questions from Dorian & Maine

1. What is your least favourite thing in the world? (I know, we’re starting off happy, aren’t we?)
 
My least favorite thing in the world is definitely a combination of sounds and textures.  Squeaking chalk or when you rub a textured paper napkin against itself.  That drives me up a wall.
 
2. Do you sleep with lots of covers or not very many?
 
I sleep with a sheet, a comforter, and a blanket.  I like to keep my room cool and my bed roasty-toasty.
 
3. You’re having one of those ‘I need a paper bag over my head NOW’ days. What do you do to make yourself feel better?
 
I put on comfy clothes and retreat with something to take my mind off of it.  My go-tos are yoga pants, a tee, and a good book.  Cooking something delicious and healthy helps me, too!
 
4. If you had a can of peaches and I wanted some, would you give them to me?
 
Absolutely!  I don’t want you to get scurvy.
 
5. What is your favourite design trend?
 
I’m happy that it’s completely acceptable to use Instagrams all over the place because it’s so much easier to inconspicuously Instagram in public than to whip out a DSLR.
 
6. Humans tend to like keepsakes. Are there any that you like to keep with you whenever possible?
 
I don’t really have anything that I carry around, no.  I get very attached to my purses, though.  I usually only have one and use it for years.
 
7. What is your favourite era in history?
 
This is soooo counterintuitive for an econ major, but I love the 20s and 30s.  Yeah, it was a trainwreck, but it was such a beautiful trainwreck.
 
8. Is there a food that you associate with a certain time in your life?
 
Shrimp fried rice = early high school.
 
9. What blog do you find yourself going to the most these days?
 
So hard to choose one!  See my links page or my Lazy Sunday posts if you’re curious.  I hate to pick one because then I’m like, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY AND I LOVE YOU ALL.
 
10. How do you feel about where you are in your blog’s journey?
 
Oh, definitely just starting out!  I feel like the kid who runs away from home to the woods at the age of 8 with like, a peanut butter sandwich and a bandana tied on a stick.  I’m approximately that prepared.  But I’m excited to gain experience and hopefully get to the point where I’m more legit, more like Hatchet than “Hansel and Gretel”.  You know, if we’re sticking with the kids in the woods theme.
 
11. Are there any Do’s or Don’ts you’ve learned while blogging that you would like to suggest to your readers?
 
Don’t expect overnight success.  I still look at my traffic several times a day, and I did set a goal for myself for exposure, but now that I see that I have actual returning vistors, I feel so much more gratified. And that took several months.  Be patient.  Write for yourself.  If you’re genuine about your content, people will like you more.
 
My own 11 Questions
 
1. Leather or lace?
2. If you could bring only one thing to entertain you on a 22 hour train ride, what would it be?
3. What’s your favorite number, and why?
4. Do you believe in or draw significance from your zodiac sign?
5. How do you feel about strawberry jam versus grape jelly, particularly on PB&J?
6. What’s your favorite meal?  Give me specifics.  No “dinner” bullcrap.
7. If you plan on having children, do you want to know their sex before they’re born, or keep it a surprise?
8. Who’s your least favorite celebrity?
9. What’s your favorite album?
10. If you could only drink one specific thing for the rest of your life – but not worry about dehydration – what would you drink?
11. Does he love me?  I wanna know.  How can I tell if he loves me so?
 
Everyone whose blog I follow has already done this, so I’m taking it to Twitter and Tumblr.  If you’re reading this, I would love for you to complete it and send me a link or comment with where you posted it!
 
Safe & sexy,
Sarah

I Dunno, Cupid…

Hi pretties!

It’s been a very long time since I posted about this, but it’s exciting so I feel like broaching it again: online dating.  I don’t think I’ve ever addressed here, properly, why I like it and why I don’t think it’s just for crazy cat ladies.

I’ve actually met some nice, normal guys online.  Specifically, on OKCupid.  It’s free, and there are a lot of students – both undergrad and graduate – in my area.  Perfect, really, for casually dating or looking for something more serious.  I swear!  It’s true!  Guys who have respected me, had life goals, and carried on great conversations!  They just weren’t the guys for me - and that’s okay.

If you have the chance to check out someone’s profile before you go out, you can tell at least a couple of things about them.  In my experience, people’s pictures are pretty accurate.  I’ve never met up with someone and thought, “Wait, that’s him?”  Usually, people at least try to give you a decent idea of who they are.  You can find out if you have a couple of surface-level commonalities to at least get the conversation ball rolling, and it’s usually decently simple to weed out the guys looking for just sex and find guys actually looking for a date.  (I know!  I know!  Dates!)

I’ve heard this little pearl of wisdom more times than I can count: “Friends first.”  Here’s the thing about dating your friends: you can’t go out on a date – usually – and just take things back to normal if things don’t go well.  You actually stand a chance of losing a friend if you try and fail to date them.  Sometimes, this works out awesomely and you get to be best friends with benefits and commitment so like, you can cook dinner and then when you get food poisoning and can’t have sex later, you’re ok saying, “Hey, babe, I just vommed.  Maybe tomorrow.”  With a new dude, that’s intimidating.  So yes, sometimes this works very well.  But often, you lose friends.  It’s also confusing for people like me who like to know where things stand.  Does he have feelings for you?  Does he want to take it further?  Do you?  What does it all mean?

If you start on a dating site, you have at least a decent idea of what the other person wants.  They either want sex, a date, or a relationship.  They may not know which of those three they want, but they probably don’t want to just be friends.  So, if you go out once and you’re like, “Nah, dog,” it’s okay.  You don’t have to see him again if you don’t want to!  You can just keep going on dates with new dudes and practice your rad date skills ’til you meet a dude you want to go on a date #2, 3, 4, 5, and sex with! It’s grand!  Trust me!

Ok, fine, I admit – there’s a dark side to online dating.  Some people are weird.  Really weird.  If you’re curious, I actually once posted about my very first OKCupid date, which was not so nice.  But I promise you, if you do some decent messaging back and forth and listen to your gut, you will run into one, maybe two total weirdos.  And you will meet some decent people, even if you don’t end up with them.  I firmly believe it was a great experience for me to learn to casually go on dates and enjoy myself with new people.

I’m really sorry if this post was horribly disorganized!  It was a very long day.  I had an intermediate microeconomics exam this morning, wherein my brain decided it hated algebra and screw that, it wasn’t doin’ it.

Have you ever tried online dating?  What did you think?  Are you skeptical?

Safe & sexy,

Sarah

Happy Manday

Yes.  Manday.  I promise, this isn’t going to degrade into Cosmo bullshit about 100 Outrageous Ways to Please Your Man, How to Handle Testicles, or 50 of Your Sexiest Sex Qs Answered!  I don’t play that game.

No, no.  I’m going to talk about your man, because here’s a secret: I live with him.

The facts:  I live with two dudes.  Both are 21, both are college seniors, both are economics majors, but they’re two very different dudes with very different relationship styles so I am pretty sure I basically know your boyfriend.  Because he, too, is a dude.  So every week, I’m going to try to let you in on a secret.  It’s not that I don’t think you know your man – I’m sure you do!  Think of it as insider trading information.  The more you know!

This week:  They honestly do not hear you when they’re playing Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto.

I’m totally, 100% serious.  They are deaf.  They are incapable of hearing a word you say, so they will make either incoherent noises (if they’re smart) or say, “Yeah,” (if they’re unaware that they could have just agreed to adopt a chihuahua and name it Miss Paris).

It doesn’t matter if you have the most important information in the entire fucking world to relay to them.  If you don’t respectfully make it clear that you need to talk, right now, for a very particular reason, you’re not getting anywhere.

That was the bad news.  The good news is that it’s not because he doesn’t like/love you.  It’s because his brain just doesn’t function that way.  He’s playing a game.  He’s not thinking about what movie he wants to see tonight or if your toenail polish matches your fingernail polish or how much the electric bill was last month.  He’s totally focused on what he’s doing, and the parts of his brain that would normally pick up on what you’re saying are otherwise engaged.

If you have otherwise good communication with your man, do not make a mountain out of a molehill with this one.  You will get so much farther if you just recognize that his brain doesn’t work like yours and he can’t think about dinner reservations while he’s trying to kill pedestrians.  If it’s something that requires his immediate attention, nicely ask him to pause – do not try to talk over the game because it will piss both of you off.

Now here’s the big question: How the hell do you know this?  I know this because I’m pretty sure my brain is half male.  The half that gets really pumped during The Matrix, V for Vendetta, Fight Club, and anywhere you can see Kim Kardashian’s ass.  I have awesome focus, but that means that I can’t multitask for shit.  If I’m playing a game or reading something and you try to talk to me, I guarantee you that I didn’t hear a word you said.  After trying to talk to my room mates about the electric bill while they were shooting each other on our flatscreen, I had a lightbulb moment: They’re just like me!

And so, this column is born.

Elementary School Essay

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Well, if you’ve visited my About page, you know that I took a picture in a bikini with my bichon/poodle mutt.  BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!  Please, sit down for this announcement.  I’m serious.  And while you’re at it, tape your jaw shut.

…I casually dated all summer.  Does anyone need me to pass the smelling salts?

I know.  You probably thought casually dating was dead.  A colleague said, “How very Seinfeld of you!”  Personally, I was going more for Ally McBeal.

This was my face.  All summer.  I was so sultry.

So, I did what any sultry, would-be casual dater would do: I joined OKCupid.  And I at least tried to present myself as a normal human female with interests, goals, dreams, and not too much décolletage.

People often ask me what my goal for Casual (Dating) Summer 2011 was, and to that I say, “To not have a Lifetime movie made about my horrible, grisly demise.”  Really, my number one concern was personal safety, because I, too, have heard of the Craigslist Killer.  Obviously, I succeeded, because I am now blogging about it.  Moving on…

Funny story time.  (Yeah, you had to read all that to hear a funny story. You had to earn this shit.)  My first OKCupid date began, 15 minutes in, with a story about how the guy had recently purchased a Fleshlight, how his parents had found the box, and how his dad had lectured him about not respecting women.  Yes.  That’s what he chose to present to me on a first date.  Another gem?  ”So like, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person to ever get a job by virtue of the fact that I’m white and I have a penis.”

Another situationally-appropriate Ally face.

Ok, so after I literally ran away from this fucker, and into my scary-looking, shaved-headed, mustachioed, heart-of-gold friend Rob’s car, things got a lot better.  I began to go on dates with nice, normal guys who talked about things like their majors, their families, their cats with funny names, and their beer preferences.  We got coffee, lunch, dinner, and sometimes a walk in the park.  This one time, a cook at an upscale Italian restaurant cooked for me.  We had grass-fed steak, risotto, and asparagus.

And this was my face that night.  Until he lost interest in conversation and tried another route.

Ok, so he ended up not being very charming.  That’s fine.  It was a damn good meal that I didn’t have to pay for.  We saw each other several times after that, but it never really developed into anything, and fizzled out before it got dramatic.  In fact, during the course of my four month experiment, I met a lot of really nice guys that I’m now proud to call my friends and acquaintances.

So, what was the point of that?  What I really wanted to do was just learn how to date.  I wanted to go on a bad date, not like a guy, not call or text him back, and go on my merry way.  Selfish?  Guilty, as charged (ha, legal humor, Ally McBeal). But further more, I wanted to learn distance.  I wanted to learn how to get to know someone before getting invested.  I wanted to create some distance between myself and my last relationship.  I wanted to learn emotional independence.  I wanted to learn how to recognize the big red flags that stare us in the face day after day, which we choose to ignore because he’s really cute or because he played us a Johnny Cash song on his guitar.  I wanted to learn what I was looking for, and the results surprised me.

Have you tried casual dating?  What about internet dating?

 

I Like Other Things, Too

I just started a new job (I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post about it here, so for now, I’ll keep it underwraps) in addition to my regular part time job, IN ADDITION to me being a full-time student.  So right now I really like anything that helps me de-stress.  This post is either going to turn into ladies’ spa day or nonsensical ranting.  I’m going to take the initiative and go for door number one.  Dudes, feel free to exit.

Who likes nail polish?  Sarah likes nail polish.  I do, I do, I do-ooh.  What are my picks for this season?  They’re not in a single damn way different from my picks for other seasons because in my opinion, there are two routes to take with polish: conservative pale pink and shit that really seriously grabs attention and makes people wonder about you.

I didn’t realize that I had ten favorite nail polishes until I picked them and counted them for this post about five seconds ago.  They’re split half and half between pinks/neutrals and almost questionable decisions.

Pinks and Neutrals:

1. Essie in Ballet Slippers (~$8)  - This is iconic.  This is Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday when she’s a princess and not when she’s pretending not to be.  You will look professional and respectable but it’s very likely that no one will notice your nail color, and sometimes, that’s okay.

2. Rimmel Lasting Finish Pro in Sunset Orange (~$4)  - This goes on amazingly smooth, comes with a great brush, and really lasts.  The color is a very flattering warm-toned coral and would look great with most skin tones.

3. Essie in Forget Me Nots (~$8)  - It’s a classic Barbie pink.  I don’t think I need to say any more.

4. Sally Hanson Insta-Dri in Petal Pusher (~$5)  - This color is nearly identical to Ballet Slippers but it dries in about five minutes flat.  It doesn’t have great wear, but if you’re headed out the door and have a few minutes to spare, it will definitely do the job.  About half of my bottle is gone after finding myself in that situation so many times.

5. Rimmel Lasting Finish Pro in Burgundy Flirt (~$4) – It’s the same formulation as Sunset Orange, above, but it’s a beautiful dark wine color.  If anything has to be “my pick for Fall”, this would be it.  But wines are always in in the fall.  And if you’re a girl in college, wine is always in, in so many ways.  Cheers!

Holy Shit, Look at That!

Essie in Mint Candy Apple (~$8)  - If you ever want a boy to comment on your nails, buy this polish.  Men actually go out of their way to tell me that they like it, because it’s such an unexpected pop of color.  (Well, they just say they like it.  I assume it’s because it’s an unexpected pop of color.  I don’t receive compliments from Tim Gunn, so I have to draw my own fashion and beauty conclusions.)  Anyway, it’s a pastel mint green and it’s baller.

Orly in Prince Charming (no idea)  - This is a polarizing color; some people love it, and some people hate it.  It goes on smoothly, takes about 3 coats, and comes out a nice brownish taupe.  It’s almost matte but not quite.

OPI in Russian Navy (~$10)  - If you could bottle both beauty and punk rock, and shake ‘em up til they’re evenly mixed, this would be the result.  It’s a deep, rich navy blue with shimmer that gives it great dimension.  Worth all 1,000 cents.  It makes a great color for a pedicure if you’re not ready to commit to putting it on your hands.

China Glaze in Lemon Fizz (no idea)  - At first, I was afraid I would look like I had some kind of nasty nail fungus, but that’s not at all the case.  It’s actually quite pretty.  The formula goes on nicely, gives you a few solid days of not chipping, and comes off easily.

China Glaze in For Audrey (no idea)  - I had to buy it.  It’s For Audrey, for Pete’s sake.  As you might have guessed, it’s almost exactly Tiffany blue.

What are some of your favorite nail polish colors and brands?

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