Posts Tagged ‘girls’
If you’ve read my post on being sex-positive, you know that I don’t have any qualms with sexuality. I’ve also mentioned a couple of times on my blog that I don’t tolerate slut-shaming, and if you follow me on Twitter, you’ll see lots of Tweets and re-Tweets on the topic. It’s something I feel very strongly about.
The word slut is very problematic. It’s been used against us, as women and as girls. We were probably taught growing up that it’s a catch-all insult, because no one wants to be a slut. You didn’t even have to have a reason to call someone a slut, or to be called a slut yourself; but if the rumor spread, it stuck.
Lately, I’ve been wondering what people actually think a slut is. Does a slut sleep around? Does she talk about sex? Does she have sex without romance, or without expectation of feelings? Can you dress like a slut? If you’re called a slut and someone comes to your defense to say that you’re not, because you’re monogamous or because you’re responsible, what does that say?
I’ve been seeing this posting around the internet recently. It says, “Too many girls want attention, not enough want respect.” Excuse me? I was unaware that you were so apt to read my mind, to decode my intentions, and to police my behavior. How does a person claim to know what another wants? This is a very thinly veiled, very dangerous form of slut-shaming.
I actually asked one of the people who posted it – a 22 year old guy – what he thought it meant. The basic idea of his answer (I will not post it verbatim because I do not have permission to do so) was that it’s easy to tell when a girl wants attention, because she acts and dresses like it. Happily, another woman of similar feminist leanings stepped in, and together we tried to have a legitimate discourse on the idea of attentions vs respect. (This of course ended with me being blocked, because I’m rabid, obviously.)
Quite frankly, if I am unable to earn or keep your respect based on my intellect, my diction, my drive, or my respect for you, I have no interest in your respect. If my job, my blog, my toy collection, my short shorts, or my tattoo are going to damn me in your eyes, then your respect is not worth earning. The idea that we have to chase the respect of people who have already decided against us is a powerful idea that keeps us running on this hamster wheel of patriarchy.
Maybe I am a slut. I like sex, and I like talking about sex so that I can learn more (about sex). I have my own reasons for the choices I make, and they usually have nothing to do with outside attention or respect. In fact, the respect that I’m so concerned about maintaining is my own. If I can’t look myself in the eye every morning and every night, then I’ve failed. If I called someone a slut, if I tried to place another woman into a simplified box so that I could categorize her and break her down, I would not be able to respect myself.
So you can call me a slut. You can also call me a feminist, a free thinker, and a woman with more to worry about than what anyone thinks about her choices.
Long week! And it’s Wednesday! But my new job has been super exciting, and with one of the most crucial members of the team on vacation, it’s been busy for all of us. Honestly, I didn’t find it difficult at all to get used to talking to strangers about intimate products. I guess I don’t really have much of a filter for that kind of thing… The strangest thing to get used to? Not everyone wants to talk about the products as much as I do! It’s a little sad when I don’t get to tell them the great things about ben-wa balls and Liberators, but some people just like to shop alone.
Thank you all for being there for me during this transition. I’ve really never worked this much at a job that I actually love before, and while it’s far less draining than working at a big box retailer was (many moons ago), at the end of the day it’s still been eight hours on the floor.
Speaking of thanks, here are some of the lovely ladies that keep me going! Their posts always put a smile on my face, or a sticky thought in my mind. (That sounds kinda gross, but I meant that they sometimes pose questions or ideas that need time to sort out in your brain. Not, like, anything disgusting.)
Kasia has been around here since pretty much the very beginning, and she’s one of my favorite ladies. She blogs over at Koju Bofu, all about her travels and her daily experiences. She’s definitely earned an International Playgirl status!
Corinne of Frock & Roll is a new friend that I’m head over heels for! I think she’s one of the only bloggers I know who hadn’t embraced the smart phone trend until very recently. But we got her! She’s on the dark side now!
Carmen always makes me laugh like crazy. She blogs at Cheeky Cheeky and I have a blogcrush on her. I’m also one of her May sponsors, and she’s such a pleasure to work with that if I have to stop sponsoring her at some point, I’ll probably shed a tear.
Chantilly is a fantastic singer/songwriter/blogger based in New York. She’s an amazing lady who really works hard to live out her dream, and her blog is so honest and unpretentious.
Em of Lick My Cupcakes is an Australian baller and hilarious lady blogger of awesomeness. She keeps me entertained on the Twitter machine and her latest blog post cracks me up.
Thank you ALL!
I feel like Carrie Bradshaw titling a post that way.
Currently, I really should be focusing on studying microeconomics (has anyone seen a pattern recently?), but I would rather write a post on Dating Rules.
Do you have dating rules? I do. I don’t by any means think they’re universal, but I do like to set boundaries for myself and at least try not to habitually break them. Why? Because after my big summer dating extravaganza last year, I have a much clearer idea of what I want, and what signals other people send to tell me what they want.
1. I always assume the bill will be split, but if my date offers, I have no qualms with letting him pay. These nails don’t buy their own polish, after all. It’s only polite to at least take out your wallet and expect to throw down for what you ordered, especially if you’re like me and you drink craft beer at $5-7/bottle. (I’m a girl with standards, ok?)
2. If I don’t feel a romantic interest, but I’m attracted and it seems like he’s not looking for anything serious, I may sleep with him by date 3. If I’m actually interested, it’s going to take longer than that. This is absolutely personal preference, and I can’t stress that enough. I personally will worry that a guy is only seeing me for sex if I actually like him and we sleep together particularly early. Of course, waiting til date 6 or 7 doesn’t guarantee that he’s not, but it is a good way to hedge your bet.
3. Be honest. This one, I think, is much more universal. If you don’t like something, don’t pretend that you do. If you’ve ever seen 27 Dresses, you should know what I mean. Don’t pretend to be a vegetarian if you’re not prepared to commit. There are two major dating caveats in my life, as I see it: 1) I have a pet rat, and 2) I want to own my own sex toy boutique. I bring those both up between dates 1 and 3, because if a guy wants out due to one or both, I want to know sooner rather than later.
4. “Nice to meet you,” means we aren’t going out again. “I had a great time,” means we are, if it’s up to me. Don’t use those phrases interchangeably.
5. At a certain point, it’s reasonable to have the “are we seeing other people” discussion. There’s absolutely no way of knowing exactly when that point is, and you’ll probably feel nauseous trying to figure it out. (Not that I’m projecting my general anxiety onto you, readers. …except I totally am.) But it’s definitely a conversation that should happen if you actually want to be exclusive. I personally can’t be in a relationship – casual, exclusive, or otherwise – with bad communication.
6. Until then, feel free to date around. I spent the summer dating like it was my second job. I’m not sure that anyone I was dating knew that, but if they’re reading, they do now. Ah-hem. I was a free agent, and just because you were cooking me dinner did not mean someone else wasn’t buying me coffee. That got kind of stressful after a while, but for a bit, it was a lot of fun.
If you’ve ever wondered how to date like Sarah from Marveous Darling – tapping into some serious narcissism here – there you have it. What are your dating rules?
Also, I’m not really digging my old sign-off. It’s not working out. Time to break it off.
It’s been a very long time since I posted about this, but it’s exciting so I feel like broaching it again: online dating. I don’t think I’ve ever addressed here, properly, why I like it and why I don’t think it’s just for crazy cat ladies.
I’ve actually met some nice, normal guys online. Specifically, on OKCupid. It’s free, and there are a lot of students – both undergrad and graduate – in my area. Perfect, really, for casually dating or looking for something more serious. I swear! It’s true! Guys who have respected me, had life goals, and carried on great conversations! They just weren’t the guys for me – and that’s okay.
If you have the chance to check out someone’s profile before you go out, you can tell at least a couple of things about them. In my experience, people’s pictures are pretty accurate. I’ve never met up with someone and thought, “Wait, that’s him?” Usually, people at least try to give you a decent idea of who they are. You can find out if you have a couple of surface-level commonalities to at least get the conversation ball rolling, and it’s usually decently simple to weed out the guys looking for just sex and find guys actually looking for a date. (I know! I know! Dates!)
I’ve heard this little pearl of wisdom more times than I can count: “Friends first.” Here’s the thing about dating your friends: you can’t go out on a date – usually – and just take things back to normal if things don’t go well. You actually stand a chance of losing a friend if you try and fail to date them. Sometimes, this works out awesomely and you get to be best friends with benefits and commitment so like, you can cook dinner and then when you get food poisoning and can’t have sex later, you’re ok saying, “Hey, babe, I just vommed. Maybe tomorrow.” With a new dude, that’s intimidating. So yes, sometimes this works very well. But often, you lose friends. It’s also confusing for people like me who like to know where things stand. Does he have feelings for you? Does he want to take it further? Do you? What does it all mean?
If you start on a dating site, you have at least a decent idea of what the other person wants. They either want sex, a date, or a relationship. They may not know which of those three they want, but they probably don’t want to just be friends. So, if you go out once and you’re like, “Nah, dog,” it’s okay. You don’t have to see him again if you don’t want to! You can just keep going on dates with new dudes and practice your rad date skills ’til you meet a dude you want to go on a date #2, 3, 4, 5, and sex with! It’s grand! Trust me!
Ok, fine, I admit – there’s a dark side to online dating. Some people are weird. Really weird. If you’re curious, I actually once posted about my very first OKCupid date, which was not so nice. But I promise you, if you do some decent messaging back and forth and listen to your gut, you will run into one, maybe two total weirdos. And you will meet some decent people, even if you don’t end up with them. I firmly believe it was a great experience for me to learn to casually go on dates and enjoy myself with new people.
I’m really sorry if this post was horribly disorganized! It was a very long day. I had an intermediate microeconomics exam this morning, wherein my brain decided it hated algebra and screw that, it wasn’t doin’ it.
Have you ever tried online dating? What did you think? Are you skeptical?
Safe & sexy,
I came home to a surprisingly empty house tonight. Don’t you – at least sometimes – love that? It’s my friend Chelsea’s 22nd birthday, so I went to pregame with her but had to book it when they left to hit the bars. (1.5 more months, dammit.)
So what do you do when you live with two guys and come home to an empty house? You watch a girly movie that neither of them will ever watch with you, and you write for the blog they don’t read. It’s like a celebration of you. And being the only child that I am, I love those.
If you’ve never seen Sabrina, you need to change that. Right now. This very minute. Buy it, rent it, download it, stream it, whatever. It’s fantastic. I’m not going to spoil it for you, and I’m terrible at synopses, so let me just tell you that Audrey Hepburn, Humphrey Bogard, and William Holden are all in it. If that’s not enough for you, I truly don’t know why you’re reading this blog because we have nothing in common.
I will tell you what I learned from Sabrina, though: Don’t stay hurt, get fabulous.
As everyone knows, there is no one more fabulous than Audrey Hepburn. But at the beginning of Sabrina? Not so much. Not until after she nearly kills herself does she get her fabulous on. Let’s all try to get our fabulous on before we reach that point.
How does Sabrina get fabulous? She goes to culinary school in Paris! Fabulous? Of course! Practical? Again I say, not so much. But what is the essence of her going to culinary school in Paris? What’s the point? To get your fabulous on, you should throw your energy into bettering yourself. Education is an excellent way to do that.
I’m all for formal education. I’m in my third year of college, working on my bachelor’s degree in Economics. But there are all kinds of ways to better yourself through learning. You can learn independently, in a group, formally, casually. But fabulous people all have passion, knowledge, and skill. Luckily, so do you! Put ‘em to work.
Ok, so, unfortunately Sabrina is in love with a total loser. I talk enough about men here, so I’m not even going to address that right now. He doesn’t even notice her in the beginning of the movie. Things change, but I mean, he’s still a loser. The good news is that when you get fabulous, you will naturally draw more fabulous people into your orbit, both male and female.
I know all of this from experience. I have this tendency to get really good at something after any kind of break-up: romantic, friendly, losing/quitting a job. Alright, maybe not really good at it, but I will throw myself into it and that’s kind of the same thing. Most recently, I learned how to use my Canon DSLR in full manual mode, and now I can even do it drunk! Just by talking about my new interest, I’ve found out that a lot of my coworkers (read: new friends) are talented photographers or have friends (read: more new friends) that are. At least 3 awesome people have been added to my orbit as a result, and I take much more interesting photos to boot.
So, if you’ve recently experienced a loss, or if you’ve just been lacking motivation lately, what are you going to do to get fabulous?