Posts Tagged ‘feminism’

The More You Know… On Inclusivity and Sex Blogging

When I first started blogging, I had a lot to learn. Just in general. I was in my third year of university, and like most people in their third year of university, I thought I knew a lot of shit. I was totally wrong. Mostly, I was wrong about thinking I was a Libertarian, and in not understanding feminism or intersectionality.

When we talk about sex, it’s very often gendered, or at least sex-organs-based. As in, we talk about men as though they all have penises, women as though they all have vaginas, and the two of those as though they’re the only genders and are opposites. But there are people who identify all over the map, in terms of both gender and sexuality.

When we talk about dating, there’s often a lot of gendered advice. “Is it okay for a woman to ask a man out?” is a query that still gets a lot of hits, and a lot of the advice still addresses the question as though it were a reasonable fear. Why? Are we going to keep pandering to these ideas and these rules forever?

Clearly, things are changing. People are speaking up about why this makes them uncomfortable. Sometimes, these people are ridiculed, and even face violence. The language that we use on a daily basis can either reinforce the status quo, which some people find downright harmful to their personal wellbeing, or it can help things shift into a place where there’s greater safety for more people.

I’m sometimes very embarrassed by the things I used to say and the things I used to believe. I think that’s just a part of growing up and expanding your mind. I’m definitely not doing this perfectly, and I have no illusions about that. I’m straight, white, middle class, educated, cis-gendered (as in, I identify as a female and I was born/socialized as a female). There are spaces where I feel unsafe, but only because I’m a woman. I can’t imagine being a woman or a non-binary person with less privilege in those spaces. The toughness that some people I know have developed as a result of having to navigate unsafe spaces astounds me.

So, I hope that I can do better. I hope that by working in an emerging adult field, I can help make things better in the adult industry for people who don’t have the privileges that I have. I want to see the end of the days of sexist marketing and heteronormative ideals. It’s my goal to be part of the group moving forward instead of clinging to what benefits only people who are exactly like me. I hope that if I say something that’s hurtful or problematic going forward, someone will call me on it. I know that if they do, there’s a chance they won’t be “nice” but I won’t really necessarily deserve their niceness, you know?

A Very Short Engagement



Surprise! Or not, if you follow me on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram…

Last night, Steve and I got engaged! It wasn’t unexpected, but it was very sweet. (And I got to have a burger with goat cheese on it so you know, classin’ it up.)

So why was I expecting it? Well, we’re about 95% sure we’re moving to Germany at the end of the summer! I can’t include too many details yet, but it looks like Steve will be completing a post-doctorate, so we’ll be there for a few years. We already knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but the threat of me potentially being deported if I didn’t find a job within 3 months lit a bit of a fire under us to make it official before we start our journey.

We’ve spent a little time discussing names in the past, and whether or not we expected to change mine, his, or both. While Steve encouraged me to keep my name (feminist ally jackpot over here), I decided I want to hyphenate. If we ever have kids, I’d like for us to share a name. Plus, Daphne’s last name just sounds better as the hyphenated version of his and mine. Don’t act like that’s not a legitimate concern.

We’re thinking about getting married in late July or early August, but haven’t set a date yet. I’m really excited to blog about this whole process! It’s no secret: I want to have the most awesome but least expensive party-like wedding reception possible. I’m the first of my friends to get engaged, and I’m looking to keep it pretty low-key. No bridesmaids – no wedding party at all – and as DIY/handmade as possible for the reception. Of course both Daphne and Dmitri will be attending.

What was the most awesome wedding you’ve been to, and what made it so great? Do you have any good DIYs or tips that you don’t mind me using? 

Am I a Bad Feminist for Quitting My Anti-Depressant?

A while back, I posted about my anxiety disorder, and how I was weaning myself off of Celexa. It’s gotten to the point now where I don’t have any withdrawal symptoms, and I’m totally off the drug. The problem? I’m now definitely, without a doubt, depressed.

When I originally quit, I did it because I felt like my feelings were numbed, I had a hard time having an orgasm, and I had gained about 25lb. I loved how balanced I felt on Celexa, but I hated that my emotions felt confined to 3-7 on a 1-10 scale. It could take me an hour to have a weak orgasm, if I could have one at all. But if I’m being completely honest, the weight was the thing that bothered me the most.

I follow some amazing body-positive bloggers, so admitting that I apparently value being 25lb lighter over my mental health… well, it’s embarrassing. It makes me wonder if I’m a terrible feminist. Or, hell, a terrible person.

While the ability to orgasm was a factor – and has been improved since weaning off – toy testing has been slow because the desire to do much of anything with my time has dropped drastically. I’m 13lb lighter, but I still feel emotionally numb, except when I’m having an anxiety attack. The attacks are shorter and fewer than before I started on Celexa, but that’s hardly an improvement when you consider that depression has shown up in anxiety’s place.

As someone who understands how problematic it is that women are so frequently valued based on their physique, I can’t wrap my head around why I’m doing this to myself. Yes, my body is lighter since I quit the drug. Yes, I can now usually orgasm in under 15 minutes. Can I get dressed and motivate myself to do something fun? Not half as easily as I could have 3 months and 25lb ago. Even if you eschew morality, what’s the point of being vain if I never leave the house?

When I’m not working – which varies a lot in retail – I sometimes spend a day doing absolutely nothing. Invitations to get out of the house are sometimes accepted, but sometimes, I just feel too shitty to be around other people. Frequently, I wish I could sleep for a while, and wake up with a new set of circumstances under which I’d have no “reason” to be depressed.



Note: I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday, and I’m going to get some professional advice. If you’ve experienced anything similar, I’d love to hear from you, especially if you found a solution.

Blog Love

Well, it’s not Sunday, but another one doesn’t roll around for a while, and you all deserve some lovely links.

& Did you know that there is literally no regulation within the sex toy industry? Like, none at all? If you’ve ever seen me mention flame testing materials, I do it because you simply cannot trust that every package that says “100% silicone” really does contain 100% pure silicone.  Fucked up, right?  Thankfully, the brilliant minds of Dangerous Lilly and The Pinkness bring you…!

& Epiphora and SheVibe have teamed up to give away a FunFactory Stronic Eins pulsator! What is it, you ask? Why don’t you read her review!

& I’m really late to this party, but Jes of the Militant Baker is AWESOME. I feel like at some point, I found her blog, forgot to Bloglovin’ it, and sadly it slipped through my sieve of a brain. NO MORE! I’m linking her amazing Body Image(s) project here so you can all check out the glory of her blog!

& Sarah of SillyGrrl is launching her Nerd School ebook on May 21st, and you should probably register to get an email notification. Why? Because she knows her shit, and unless you’re already a professional web designer, your blog will thank you. (I’m on the list, ’cause this girlfriend needs help.)

& The Onion is sometimes spot on, and sometimes… Plainly, they really fucked up with this one, and Britni brilliantly called them out. (Trigger warning: Abuse, assault, Christ Brown’s asshattery.)

Kristen is participating in a Blog Every Day in May challenge, and today, she answered the questions “What do you do?” and “What are you most afraid of?” How would you answer those questions?

& In case you missed it, I now work at my local Lush shop, so you know I’m basically spending every waking hour smothering my body with vegetarian goodness. Let me tell you though, if you were to walk into Lush and purchase just one product, I would suggest you pick up a Buffy. My backside has never been smoother, and my arms have never been so soft.

See you soon!

OkCupid University: Etiquette 0500

Welcome to another installment of OkCupid University!  In case you missed it, you can find my intro to OkC post here.

Many of the most common question I get asked about online dating revolve around etiquette.  A lot of myths still abound about male/female interaction, and since the majority of my friends are heterosexual, that’s what I hear the most about.  I hate to be heteronormative, but a lot of this post is going to deal with being a woman looking to date a man, because that’s what I have personal experience with.  If you don’t fall into that category, I would love to hear from you about how your experiences differed from mine, if at all.

My Least Favorite Myth: Women shouldn’t send the first message.

I can’t believe I’m even addressing this in 2013, but since I’ve been asked more than once, it seems I have to: Go ahead and send a damn message.  Someone has to make the first move, and if you noticed him first, why shouldn’t you?  There exists this stereotype about girls who “chase” boys, girls who are needy and pathetic, and I know a lot of smart women who are afraid to make a move because of that.  Fuck that shit.  Say hi, mention something specific from their profile that drew you in, and close with a question related to another area of their profile that caught your eye.  Easy peasy, and nothing “crazy” about it.  Women who message men aren’t crazy or needy, they just don’t subscribe to bullshit theories perpetuated by the patriarchal media.

Real Faux-PasThe double message.

You know who really is crazy? The person who sends a follow-up message, when the first one did not receive a response. Especially a follow-up message like this:

“Guess you didn’t like what you see.  Sigh.

No matter what you want to say to that psycho, just don’t do it. Don’t tell them off, don’t buy into it, and most of all, don’t apologize. This is not someone you want to get involved with. They’re either emotionally manipulative, or they’re a child, and either way they are not fit for a healthy adult relationship.

There is one exception to this rule: If you have been messaging someone and you were setting plans with them but they disappeared, it is perfectly fine to send a follow-up 3 or more days later. Something like, “Hey, still interested in getting together?” Short, sweet, nothing emotional. It’s possible that they forgot to press send on their last message, but it’s also possible that they changed their minds. I won’t lie to you – it happens. All you can do is be an adult and hope they behave the same way.

Call Me, MaybeWhen to give out your number.

In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving out your number. I usually did it when we’d talked for a bit via OkC messenger, mostly to make my life easier. It’s much simpler to text someone about plans than to rely on them checking their account. Use common sense: Don’t give out your number in a first message, and don’t put it in your profile. I gave my number to at least 15 guys during the course of my OkC experience, and not a single one ever harassed me. Some people think it’s forward for a woman to give a man her number before he asks for it.  I guess those people really get a kick out of wasting time.

Set a DateAsking, accepting, and declining.

Do I really need to tell you that it’s totally ok for a woman to ask a man out on a date?  Really?  Because it’s totally ok for a woman to ask a man out on a date.  “Would you like to get coffee sometime?”  Any well-adjusted person would be happy to hear (or read) those words!  If you want to go on a date, there is absolutely no shame in asking.  Because guess what?  If he says yes, he wanted to go out with you.  End of story.

Now, what if someone asks you on a date.  Do you want to go?  Did you check out their profile, and make sure they didn’t answer any questions in a worrisome fashion?  Then accept!  Obviously.  Do you think it would be a total train wreck, ending with a thrown drink or you falling asleep in your chair?  Politely decline.  “I’m sorry, I’m flattered, but I don’t think we’d make a good match.  Good luck, and I do appreciate the invitation.”  Maybe I’m a little formal, whatevs, you can adjust it.  I’m not your damn secretary.

Show Me the MoneyWho pays?

This is a highly personal aspect of dating, and it’s something that gets many people’s undies in a twist.  To be safe, assume you’re going to split it down the middle. Don’t be a dickwad and order anything you wouldn’t want to pay for. I’m personally ok with letting someone else cover the check if that’s what they want to do. I think it’s polite to ask, “Are you sure? I don’t mind splitting,” but if they press I will let them pay. I might get flack for that, and I understand why, but it’s how I’ve always handled dates. If you hate to let anyone pay for you, that is certainly your prerogative, and I do understand the reasoning behind it.

Next up at OkC U: Playing the Field – Dating More than One Person at a Time

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