Posts Tagged ‘couples’

On Dating and Friends

I’m going to put this right out there: Some people suck at having friends and dating at the same time.

Have you ever had a friend who just completely disappeared after meeting Mr./Ms. Right(Now)?  Maybe you’ve been that friend.  Maybe you currently are that friend.  Stop that asshattery right this instant.

I get it, and I’m happy for you.  You’ve met someone that you just can’t stand to be without.  Hell, I have someone in my life that I can’t imagine being apart from.  It’s intoxicating.  New love is amazing, and you want to just cocoon with your lovenugget until you’re both old, grey, and sick of each other.  If you do that, everyone else is going to get sick of you real fast.

Let me tell you something.  Not every activity you and your squeeze do together is a date.  You’re going to get bagels, you’re not headed to the opera.  If you do every single activity that you can think of together, alone, you are annoying to all of your friends who still kind of want to see you every once in a while.

Once you sequester yourselves, you will stop getting invitations to any and all other activities, unless they’re double dates.  Double dates are fine and dandy, but remember your single friends?  Yeah, they feel like shit when you don’t have time to see them anymore now that you’ve pair bonded.  Step away from your lovenugget for one hot second and make some plans.

Furthermore, everything you do with your beloved does not have to be a “date.”  You can invite other people on these outings and make an effort to make them feel comfortable and included.  Believe me, it works. Haven’t you people ever seen How I Met Your Mother??

This is a wakeup call.  Think about the last time you went out with a good friend.  Think about the last time you tried to include someone else in your plans with your lovenugget.  If you can’t remember, pick up your damn phone and send some texts.  Because it’s never too late.


PS: I used the terms “lovenugget”, “squeeze”, and “beloved” because I couldn’t think of any gender-neutral pronouns besides “ou” and some people would be confused by that.  Your lovenugget don’t gotta conform to gender stereotypes and neither do you.

Love my Academic, Hate Conferences

Every time a conference rolls around, I totally lose Steve for about a week and a half.  It hasn’t helped that we’ve not had Internet access for a full week now, which is usually how I entertain myself when I have no schoolwork to do.  I’ve spent about $40 at various coffee shops in the last week, which has been delicious, but not really ideal.

Anyway, if you’re part of a couple or if you ever have been, chances are you’ve dealt with schedule conflicts and busyness.  I think we probably have it a bit easier because we live together, so we’re at least in proximity to each other very frequently, but if that’s not quality time it can still feel lonely.  We settle into routines, like Ru Paul’s Drag Race on Netflix before bed (Pandora Boxx should have won Season 2).  And I don’t know about you, but I am a person who requires a lot of upkeep.  My regular, close circle of friends I talk to at least once a week, if not every day.  If I want to go out, I will hunt someone down and take them out with me, because there are times that I just need good company. One might say I’m high maintenance.

This is inherently problematic when I show up in our den in cute panties and find my boyfriend immersed in some kind of math program that I really don’t understand or care to.  Contrary to what the media tells us, men cannot always be torn from their work by a lady.  Some men gotta get shit done.

After making it through 5 or so conferences together, I have a system.  I’m not sure if it’s the same system he employs, but it seems to work.  It’s not very romantic, but it gets the job done: I schedule time.  The time commitment of an hour, or two hours, is concrete and easy to conceptualize.  Of course we can take an hour for couples’ time.  Just the idea of putting a cap on it makes it far more manageable.  Taking an hour away from his papers can give him a fresh perspective when he returns, and it makes me feel cared for.

I’m telling you.  The power of an hour.

Ask Sarah Part 1: Where we talk about Porn

Hi all!  I got a lot of responses to Ask Sarah asking about porn, and I’m excited about it.

First of all, I do feel like pornography can be degrading, to both women and men.  There’s no shortage of misogynist porn, and even downright violent porn, out there.  But these directors and companies should not ruin porn for you as a whole, because there are a lot of performers and other directors out there looking to improve the feminist porn experience.  What I look for in solid feminist porn is women (and men!) genuinely having a good time; performers who have good chemistry and appear to be comfortable on set and with each other are key.

I’ve heard the statement, “I don’t want him/her using porn instead of being sexual with me,” a lot.  And that’s a completely valid concern.  Trusting your partner is key.  I have no idea how much porn my boyfriend watches, but we have a healthy sex life, so it’s not a concern of mine.  It’s very rare for two people to have sex drives that completely match up – if one person wants more sex than the other, then porn is a very viable option to keep the relationship happy and healthy.  The best advice anyone can give a couple is to have open communication.  I have no experience with porn addiction, so I don’t feel comfortable addressing that topic yet.

love  watching porn as a couple.  It’s definitely a bonding experience, and it’s very interesting to take turns choosing the flick.  You get to see a little of what your partner likes, and maybe get some ideas.  It just adds something different to what can become a routine.  If you’re interested in exploring porn as a couple, I suggest grabbing some lube, a vibrator, and maybe a stroker if you have a male partner.  Masturbating together, teasing each other, or getting each other off during porn is a lot of fun, and it ensures that no one feels left out.  Remember, your sex life isn’t entirely made up of intercourse.

If you have a hard time getting off, or even getting aroused by, traditional porn, you might be more interested in another niche or genre.  I have very little interest in hardcore porn, but I love the softer stuff available through Abby Winters.  Conversely, someone else might prefer the harder, but equally female-friendly, Meet the Mayhems (a real couple, in mad love and lust, making porn together).  If you’re looking for queer porn, or porn that includes performers of all gender identities and sexual orientations, you should check out the Crashpad Series or one of Courtney Trouble‘s sites.

If you do like more mainstream porn, but are looking for a better male performance, check out James Deen.  He’s been the darling of the internet somewhat recently, and really takes care to make sure that his female costars have a good time on set.  Also, he’s actually sexy.  A sexy man, in mainstream porn.  I know, you need a moment to retrieve your jaw from the floor.

Your enjoyment of porn has a lot to do with just finding the right kind of porn for you.  If you or your partner is interested in experimenting, take a look around.  Just because you don’t like Bree Olson doesn’t mean you can’t find a star or a studio that you love.

Good luck!  Go explore the pornucopia.

What I’ve Learned So Far

Hi there long-neglected follower darlings!

I spent Wednesday night through Saturday night in Baltimore with the manfriend, his sister, and her boyfriend.  It was probably the most insane vacation I’ve ever taken, even considering the fact that we went to bed during the PM hours almost every night.  We’re super cool like that.  But seriously, I think I drank my weight in beer, ate my weight in brick oven pizza, and walked about 30 miles.  I’m going to write a full post – including some photos – later this week!

It’s been about a week since we began our official move-in, so obviously I’m now an expert on moving in with your significant other.  Obviously, he hasn’t killed me yet or cast me out into the streets, so I must be doing a pretty good job.

What I’ve Learned So Far:

1. If you’re on completely different schedules, figure out how to make it work – you don’t have to adjust them to match.  I go to sleep around 12, and he joins me around 3.  I sleep like the dead, so maybe this wouldn’t work for everyone, but I personally find it a lot more realistic than trying to make my nightowl boyfriend go to sleep in the PM hours.

2. Don’t be cheap.  I used a quart of milk from his carton last week, but bought a gallon today.  He shares his beer with me, and I make him food sometimes.  Unless you start to feel like you’re supporting your SO unfairly, there’s no reason to squabble over a box of cereal.  It’ll probably even out in the end.

3. Ask for space when you need it, nicely.  Both he and I are introverts, and we’ve acknowledged that there will be times when we’ll need “me time”.  I plan on moving some of my desk and blogging stuff into a spare corner so we can have separate work areas (and oh, idk, so I can watch Pretty Little Liars without judgment…).

4. Related to #2, have a plan for certain expenses.  Manfriend and I have an agreement wherein he buys beer for our consumption, and I buy sex toys/accouterments for our use.  He drinks more beer than I do, and I use more sex toys (and lust after far more) than he does, but we happily share.  (Bonus: If you buy glass or pure silicone, you can completely sanitize your toys and actually share.  So cost effective!)

I’ll be back with more wisdom as I glean it.  Since I’ve sucked on Sundays lately, look forward to a weekly links post tomorrow or Wednesday, too.  I promise, it’ll be jumbo.  Like, world’s biggest dildo jumbo.

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