A while back, I posted about my anxiety disorder, and how I was weaning myself off of Celexa. It’s gotten to the point now where I don’t have any withdrawal symptoms, and I’m totally off the drug. The problem? I’m now definitely, without a doubt, depressed.
When I originally quit, I did it because I felt like my feelings were numbed, I had a hard time having an orgasm, and I had gained about 25lb. I loved how balanced I felt on Celexa, but I hated that my emotions felt confined to 3-7 on a 1-10 scale. It could take me an hour to have a weak orgasm, if I could have one at all. But if I’m being completely honest, the weight was the thing that bothered me the most.
I follow some amazing body-positive bloggers, so admitting that I apparently value being 25lb lighter over my mental health… well, it’s embarrassing. It makes me wonder if I’m a terrible feminist. Or, hell, a terrible person.
While the ability to orgasm was a factor – and has been improved since weaning off – toy testing has been slow because the desire to do much of anything with my time has dropped drastically. I’m 13lb lighter, but I still feel emotionally numb, except when I’m having an anxiety attack. The attacks are shorter and fewer than before I started on Celexa, but that’s hardly an improvement when you consider that depression has shown up in anxiety’s place.
As someone who understands how problematic it is that women are so frequently valued based on their physique, I can’t wrap my head around why I’m doing this to myself. Yes, my body is lighter since I quit the drug. Yes, I can now usually orgasm in under 15 minutes. Can I get dressed and motivate myself to do something fun? Not half as easily as I could have 3 months and 25lb ago. Even if you eschew morality, what’s the point of being vain if I never leave the house?
When I’m not working – which varies a lot in retail – I sometimes spend a day doing absolutely nothing. Invitations to get out of the house are sometimes accepted, but sometimes, I just feel too shitty to be around other people. Frequently, I wish I could sleep for a while, and wake up with a new set of circumstances under which I’d have no “reason” to be depressed.
Note: I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday, and I’m going to get some professional advice. If you’ve experienced anything similar, I’d love to hear from you, especially if you found a solution.
…that I decided to go 30 days without drinking alcohol?
I didn’t. I’m just going to go ahead and say it. I made it 7 days, and then caved because I was out at a super fancy bar and wasn’t sure if I’d get a chance to go again. Why is it so difficult to give something up cold turkey?
I get invited out to drink, or offered a beer at home/at boyfriend’s/at a friend’s at least 3 times a week. That’s a lot of saying no to a lot of delicious things! How can I be expected to live that way? Also, for God’s sake, I’m German; beer runs through my veins! (Fun fact: I don’t actually cry. My face leaks gin.)
Instead, I’m aiming for some more reasonable goals. I’ve been trying to buy and keep on hand only foods that don’t make me feel sluggish and bloated. The boyfriend asked me earlier today if I’d like to be his workout buddy (I was under the impression we already were, but apparently sex doesn’t count?) so we’re going running tomorrow. I think we’ll be able to keep each other motivated, and I’ve never really exercised with anyone regularly, so it’ll be nice to have a buddy. Plus, I think I might be in slightly better shape than someone else for once. Oops.
So instead, I’m going to make a goal for myself that I think I can actually achieve: post updates with reasonable and healthy changes that I’m making to my life, and see what happens.
Let’s get one thing straight: I drink like a mofo.
Let’s get another thing straight: I would like to lose 5lb. Just 5. Maybe 7 if we’re getting a little crazy. But 5 is the goal.
What’s my favorite form of exercise? Sex. Maybe running after that, but sex is far and away the best exercise a person can get, right? It’s physical, it can last a while if you’ve got your shit together, and the only downside is that you need one other participant! (I told my boyfriend about this new exercise plan – a strict regimen of 4x a week - and he didn’t seem to mind.)
But ok, really. How many calories can I possibly burn in 45 minutes of cardio and weight-bearing 4 times a week? Enough to justify my burrito habit? Not likely.
Enter: The 30 Day Challenge, Lush Edition!
I’ve decided to see if I can go 30 days without a drink, and then take my measurements and my weight and see what kind of changes have taken place. I won’t be doing much more exercising, and I won’t be significantly changing my diet, so we’ll just see how my alcohol consumption affects my body. Sounds good?
Here are my starting stats:
pant size: 2
shirt size: small
bra size: 34B
Does anyone want to participate in your own 30 Day Challenge with me? You don’t have to give up booze! It can be whatever you want: physical, mental, emotional.
So apparently retail is a danger to your health and well-being. Not like, shopping, but working in retail. But actually, it’s probably just my weak-ass immune system, which essential works about 70% of the time. If there’s something going around, I will come down with it. My throat hurts like the dickens.
Luckily for you, this means I’ve had plenty of time to sit in bed looking for Sunday links! Hoorah!
& Throwback: This guest post by Kyla Roma on My Girl Thursday was one of the first posts I read about starting a blog and how to do it your way.
& As you probably know, I love all things Instagram. I’m an Instawhore. Ergo, I was completely giddy when Gala posted Ten Ways to Make Your Instagram Photos Pop, because Gala ‘grams with the best of ‘em.
& I’m always freaking out over being “an adult” – mind you, I have a Hello Kitty toaster and received an Easter basket this year – and the blog Adulting makes it so much easier. If you feel underprepared to be an adult, go. There are tons of tips on everyday things life throws at you that you will need to take care of because mum & dad are no longer responsible for you.
& Stela always posts amazing tutorials on her blog Stelabird; one of my favorites is this zippered mini pouch. Also, she’s a small business owner, so she automatically gets +500 cool points.
& Have you been following Sarah’s 6 Weeks to a Better Blog series? I’m addicted!
I think the rest of today will be spent cleaning and shopping at H&M. I’m in major need of some new summer dresses and skirts, and I’ve noticed that my old clothes just don’t fit my body like they used to. Instead of cramming myself into them and feeling awkward and guilty, I think I’m going to try shopping for my new hips instead. (I gained about 7lb this year, and it all settled on the hips, boobs, and butt… I’m counting myself lucky!) Anyone else in need of a seasonal wardrobe update?