What I’ve Learned So Far

Hi there long-neglected follower darlings!

I spent Wednesday night through Saturday night in Baltimore with the manfriend, his sister, and her boyfriend.  It was probably the most insane vacation I’ve ever taken, even considering the fact that we went to bed during the PM hours almost every night.  We’re super cool like that.  But seriously, I think I drank my weight in beer, ate my weight in brick oven pizza, and walked about 30 miles.  I’m going to write a full post – including some photos – later this week!

It’s been about a week since we began our official move-in, so obviously I’m now an expert on moving in with your significant other.  Obviously, he hasn’t killed me yet or cast me out into the streets, so I must be doing a pretty good job.

What I’ve Learned So Far:

1. If you’re on completely different schedules, figure out how to make it work – you don’t have to adjust them to match.  I go to sleep around 12, and he joins me around 3.  I sleep like the dead, so maybe this wouldn’t work for everyone, but I personally find it a lot more realistic than trying to make my nightowl boyfriend go to sleep in the PM hours.

2. Don’t be cheap.  I used a quart of milk from his carton last week, but bought a gallon today.  He shares his beer with me, and I make him food sometimes.  Unless you start to feel like you’re supporting your SO unfairly, there’s no reason to squabble over a box of cereal.  It’ll probably even out in the end.

3. Ask for space when you need it, nicely.  Both he and I are introverts, and we’ve acknowledged that there will be times when we’ll need “me time”.  I plan on moving some of my desk and blogging stuff into a spare corner so we can have separate work areas (and oh, idk, so I can watch Pretty Little Liars without judgment…).

4. Related to #2, have a plan for certain expenses.  Manfriend and I have an agreement wherein he buys beer for our consumption, and I buy sex toys/accouterments for our use.  He drinks more beer than I do, and I use more sex toys (and lust after far more) than he does, but we happily share.  (Bonus: If you buy glass or pure silicone, you can completely sanitize your toys and actually share.  So cost effective!)

I’ll be back with more wisdom as I glean it.  Since I’ve sucked on Sundays lately, look forward to a weekly links post tomorrow or Wednesday, too.  I promise, it’ll be jumbo.  Like, world’s biggest dildo jumbo.

Living and Loving Arrangements

Darlings, the last week has been absolutely 100% different from what I anticipated.

Until last Thursday, I was planning to move into my apartment in one of the nice, safe, but boring neighborhoods of Pittsburgh.  I would be moving at the end of the month, living with two guys I didn’t know (but who seemed very sweet from our brief meeting!) and I would hope to save enough money that in case something happened after I graduated and I lost my job at Adam & Eve, I could still pay my bills.  And honestly, it was giving me a stomach ulcer.

Obviously, I made completely sane and balanced decision on Thursday: to move in with my boyfriend.  (I say that with the full knowledge that, holy shit, this is kind of crazy.)  He asked me, I said yes, and by Saturday, we’d found someone to take my spot on the lease for the other place, and half of my things are now moved to our  place.  Our place  is a really weird thing to say, and it makes me feel pretentious.

Yes, please do come to our place for dinner.  Bring a nice cabernet.”

But wait.  If I wasn’t planning on moving until the end of the month, why have I moved half of my things already?  Glad you asked!  There was a sewage leak at my apartment this weekend.  There were puddles of sewage in the laundry room, which is directly next to my apartment’s door.  Ergo, my apartment smelled like feces.  It really was getting ugly in here.  And my management company learned that I am not a woman to be crossed.  (I think the only person who could have scared them more would have been Maggie Smith.)

Ewan absolutely loves his new digs, since he was moved already back on Saturday night when this fiasco began.  He really seems to like running around in “Step Dad’s” big bedroom, and the boyfriend gets most of his kicks from watching Ewan eat Cheerios.  All in all, it’s a pretty good arrangement.

But, let’s be serious.  There’s some nitty-gritty to address here.  We’ve only been together for about three months, so we’re knee-deep in the honeymoon phase.  Some of my very best friends have said they’re not sure if it’s a good idea.  I actually agree.  I’m really not sure.  Honestly, I can’t tell you that this is absolutely, unequivocally the best idea we’ve ever had.  But…

We just get along amazingly.  I’ve never clicked so well with someone, even just doing nothing.  I’m completely sure we will have our first big fight while living together, and I’m really glad I’m moving my bed back to my parents’ house in case we need a weekend apart.  I really do think this is a risk worth taking because from my current perspective, I’d regret not trying it more than seeing it go awry.

Have you ever lived with a significant other?  How did it go?  Any tips?

Why I Don’t Go to Shows

Most people think it’s just because I’m grumpy and like to be able to sit down whenever I please.  And while they are correct, there is a much more reasonable explanation: I accidentally Carrie Bradshawed my way through Pittsburgh, so large gatherings of 20-something hipsters aren’t a safe place for me.

Last night, Steve took me to see the Dirty Projectors.  They were fantastic, and I’d actually never heard of them before because my boyfriend is way more of a hipster than I am.  As a quick little interlude about the band, I will tell you that the female vocalist is amazing and I wish she could sing me to sleep on the regular.

Obviously, this post is less about the band and more about my poor life choices that led me to this place.  Last summer, I spent four months casually dating. In the first ten minutes after we walked in the door, I ran into two guys that I’ve dated.  One was only one or two dates, and we’re friendly acquaintances, and the other was my ex-boyfriend of nine months (with whom I got back together for a very short period last September).  I introduced them both to Steve, and they were both very friendly.  Despite their friendliness, I couldn’t help feeling awkward.  In big crowds, I like to have some sense of anonymity.

Really, does anyone like to be reminded of their past dating exploits?  Shows where I’m not familiar with the band always remind me of my high school boyfriend and his tendency to make me come to shows with him and his friends and then completely ignore me.  I step into a room where an unfamiliar band is going to be playing and instantly feel awkward.

Steve handled it like I figured he would: didn’t bat an eye, shook their hands, bought me a rum & coke.  He held my hand and when I apologized for running into those guys, he looked puzzled because allegedly, I had nothing to apologize for.  He’s a champ, that one.

I Dunno, Cupid…

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Hi pretties!

It’s been a very long time since I posted about this, but it’s exciting so I feel like broaching it again: online dating.  I don’t think I’ve ever addressed here, properly, why I like it and why I don’t think it’s just for crazy cat ladies.

I’ve actually met some nice, normal guys online.  Specifically, on OKCupid.  It’s free, and there are a lot of students – both undergrad and graduate – in my area.  Perfect, really, for casually dating or looking for something more serious.  I swear!  It’s true!  Guys who have respected me, had life goals, and carried on great conversations!  They just weren’t the guys for me – and that’s okay.

If you have the chance to check out someone’s profile before you go out, you can tell at least a couple of things about them.  In my experience, people’s pictures are pretty accurate.  I’ve never met up with someone and thought, “Wait, that’s him?”  Usually, people at least try to give you a decent idea of who they are.  You can find out if you have a couple of surface-level commonalities to at least get the conversation ball rolling, and it’s usually decently simple to weed out the guys looking for just sex and find guys actually looking for a date.  (I know!  I know!  Dates!)

I’ve heard this little pearl of wisdom more times than I can count: “Friends first.”  Here’s the thing about dating your friends: you can’t go out on a date – usually – and just take things back to normal if things don’t go well.  You actually stand a chance of losing a friend if you try and fail to date them.  Sometimes, this works out awesomely and you get to be best friends with benefits and commitment so like, you can cook dinner and then when you get food poisoning and can’t have sex later, you’re ok saying, “Hey, babe, I just vommed.  Maybe tomorrow.”  With a new dude, that’s intimidating.  So yes, sometimes this works very well.  But often, you lose friends.  It’s also confusing for people like me who like to know where things stand.  Does he have feelings for you?  Does he want to take it further?  Do you?  What does it all mean?

If you start on a dating site, you have at least a decent idea of what the other person wants.  They either want sex, a date, or a relationship.  They may not know which of those three they want, but they probably don’t want to just be friends.  So, if you go out once and you’re like, “Nah, dog,” it’s okay.  You don’t have to see him again if you don’t want to!  You can just keep going on dates with new dudes and practice your rad date skills ’til you meet a dude you want to go on a date #2, 3, 4, 5, and sex with! It’s grand!  Trust me!

Ok, fine, I admit – there’s a dark side to online dating.  Some people are weird.  Really weird.  If you’re curious, I actually once posted about my very first OKCupid date, which was not so nice.  But I promise you, if you do some decent messaging back and forth and listen to your gut, you will run into one, maybe two total weirdos.  And you will meet some decent people, even if you don’t end up with them.  I firmly believe it was a great experience for me to learn to casually go on dates and enjoy myself with new people.

I’m really sorry if this post was horribly disorganized!  It was a very long day.  I had an intermediate microeconomics exam this morning, wherein my brain decided it hated algebra and screw that, it wasn’t doin’ it.

Have you ever tried online dating?  What did you think?  Are you skeptical?

Safe & sexy,


Happy Manday

Yes.  Manday.  I promise, this isn’t going to degrade into Cosmo bullshit about 100 Outrageous Ways to Please Your Man, How to Handle Testicles, or 50 of Your Sexiest Sex Qs Answered!  I don’t play that game.

No, no.  I’m going to talk about your man, because here’s a secret: I live with him.

The facts:  I live with two dudes.  Both are 21, both are college seniors, both are economics majors, but they’re two very different dudes with very different relationship styles so I am pretty sure I basically know your boyfriend.  Because he, too, is a dude.  So every week, I’m going to try to let you in on a secret.  It’s not that I don’t think you know your man – I’m sure you do!  Think of it as insider trading information.  The more you know!

This week:  They honestly do not hear you when they’re playing Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto.

I’m totally, 100% serious.  They are deaf.  They are incapable of hearing a word you say, so they will make either incoherent noises (if they’re smart) or say, “Yeah,” (if they’re unaware that they could have just agreed to adopt a chihuahua and name it Miss Paris).

It doesn’t matter if you have the most important information in the entire fucking world to relay to them.  If you don’t respectfully make it clear that you need to talk, right now, for a very particular reason, you’re not getting anywhere.

That was the bad news.  The good news is that it’s not because he doesn’t like/love you.  It’s because his brain just doesn’t function that way.  He’s playing a game.  He’s not thinking about what movie he wants to see tonight or if your toenail polish matches your fingernail polish or how much the electric bill was last month.  He’s totally focused on what he’s doing, and the parts of his brain that would normally pick up on what you’re saying are otherwise engaged.

If you have otherwise good communication with your man, do not make a mountain out of a molehill with this one.  You will get so much farther if you just recognize that his brain doesn’t work like yours and he can’t think about dinner reservations while he’s trying to kill pedestrians.  If it’s something that requires his immediate attention, nicely ask him to pause – do not try to talk over the game because it will piss both of you off.

Now here’s the big question: How the hell do you know this?  I know this because I’m pretty sure my brain is half male.  The half that gets really pumped during The Matrix, V for Vendetta, Fight Club, and anywhere you can see Kim Kardashian’s ass.  I have awesome focus, but that means that I can’t multitask for shit.  If I’m playing a game or reading something and you try to talk to me, I guarantee you that I didn’t hear a word you said.  After trying to talk to my room mates about the electric bill while they were shooting each other on our flatscreen, I had a lightbulb moment: They’re just like me!

And so, this column is born.