First thing’s first: The Lovehoney 50 Shades of Grey Holy Cow! USB Rechargeable Wand Vibrator is basically the same exact thing as the Lovehoney Desire Luxury USB Rechargeable Wand Vibrator… except it’s $20 (or £10) more expensive and doesn’t come with a nifty carrying case.
Why you gotta do us like that, Lovehoney?
What I Want in a Wand
It might surprise you that wands aren’t guaranteed to get me off, given the cult status that the
Hitachi Magic Wand enjoys. Like anything, though, vibrators aren’t One Size Fits All. Wands are not my first choice for masturbation because I like somewhat pinpoint stimulation.
However, I still like to keep a good wand on hand because there are some jobs that are just done best by a wand. For example, I like pressing wands up against dildos because I find that the broader heads and the (often) strong vibrations transfer really nicely. I also tend to use wands for back pain, as does my partner.1
If I’m going to love a wand, it has to either blow me away or be a fantastic multi-tasker. This means I’m looking for very strong vibrations, easy-to-use controls, and a reasonably comfortable grip. Frankly, I don’t mind if a wand is mains-powered, because that just means it isn’t going to die in the middle of a session.
Holy Cow!: The Basics
Physically, I think Holy Cow! is a pretty nice-looking toy, though not as nice as its Desire counterpart. It’s 9 inches long from the end where you insert the charger to the top of its head. It’s waterproof and coated in velvety silicone, except for where a plate of hard, chrome-look plastic stamped with “Fifty Shades of Grey” is fixed on the handle.2 It’s almost completely seamless, except for where the plastic is joined to the silicone. Still, it’s exceptionally easy to clean.
While pretty darn strong, I consider Holy Cow!’s 12 levels of vibration to be buzzy rather than rumbly. Some have said the same about the much-loved Doxy Wand, but Holy Cow!’s vibrations are significantly weaker and therefore completely different.
Now, I was not expecting Holy Cow! to be as strong as the Doxy. Holy Cow! is significantly smaller and lighter, and it’s rechargeable. A smaller, lighter vibrator is going to have a smaller motor, and anything running on a battery won’t put out as much raw power as something that plugs in. It’s just not reasonable to expect a rechargeable to perform exactly like a mains-powered device.
I still thought I might really enjoy it, despite the fact that it’s named after one of Anastasia’s least sexy expressions from the 50 Shades franchise.
Holy Cow! in Use
My first time using Holy Cow! was during a play session with my partner. I was the one wielding the wand, so I knew what I was doing with it. Turning it on was easy, as I pressed and held the + button located on the handle for about 2 seconds. It was comfortable to hold and pleasantly light. I got up to about half power (there are 12 speeds).
By holding the wand such that only a part of the outer perimeter of the top of the head touched my vulva, I was able to sort of simulate a more pinpoint style of stimulation. However, I never hold a vibrator steady in one position when I use it. Instead, I like to be able to move it around, back and forth or in a light tapping motion. This was kind of difficult to do while trying to maintain only a small point of contact. But of course, that’s because it’s a wand, and I knew that going in. I don’t fault the wand for being a wand, because that’s absurd.
By playing around with it and experimenting with different angles, I found a few things that worked. Holding it so that it just barely touched my clit was the key.
I came, it was reasonably satisfying, but it was nothing to write home about. In fact, I don’t actually remember any details beyond the fact that I came. Sort of like how I don’t remember anything that happens in 50 Shades itself.
In subsequent sessions, I decided that Holy Cow! just doesn’t deserve a place on my favorite toys shelf. On the plus side, it’s strong and it does transmit vibration well through the base of a dildo. On the other hand, the head is too big to use it the way I like to use vibrators (that is, with a lot of little movements to keep my clit interested) while also using a dildo. If something is going to be a vulva hog, it needs to deliver deep, mind-blowing orgasms. That is a hill I am willing to die on.
Also, I think it’s worth mentioning that the first several times I used it, I had a hell of a time getting it to turn off. All you need to do is press and hold the minus (-) button for about 6 seconds, but it just was not cooperating for those first few uses. Maybe I was confused because turning it on – by pressing the + button – happens almost instantaneously. I dunno, but it bugged me.
As the final nail in the coffin, I find that Holy Cow!’s vibrations are no where near strong enough for my back and neck pain.
Overall, it’s a resounding meh.
Who Might Enjoy Holy Cow!?
If you love the wand shape, don’t require Magic Wand power, and absolutely require that your wand be rechargeable, you might like Holy Cow!. I have no doubt that there are people out there who would be totally satisfied with this toy. But anyone that might enjoy Holy Cow! should purchase the Desire wand instead. It’s very simple:
- Desire is $99.99 (£64.99), compared to Holy Cow!’s $119.99 (£74.99). You’d be paying a premium for 50 Shades branding, and why would you want to do that?
- Desire comes with a zippered, protective, discreet case, while Holy Cow! comes with a measly red satin bag stamped with “50 Shades of Grey.”
- The name Desire doesn’t make me want to gouge out my own eyeballs with rusty spoons.
But that having been said, I would still urge you to consider one of 3 other wands as alternatives, unless you are deeply committed to having a rechargeable. The Mystic Wand by Vibratex offers the same size and body-safe materials and similar vibration strength at a fraction of the price, but requires 4 AA batteries. The Doxy Wand and Doxy Die Cast are considerably larger, heavier, more expensive wands, but they pack a punch that neither the Mystic Wand nor Holy Cow! can even come close to.
Thank you very much to Lovehoney for providing me with the Holy Cow! Rechargeable Wand Vibrator in exchange for a fair and honest review. This post does contain affiliate links, which help support Marvelous-Darling.com.