As you might remember, when I first heard about the PicoBong TRANSFORMER, I was excited. Why? I have no idea. It was a vulnerable time for me. When my TRANSFORMER arrived, I turned it on, furrowed my brow, and then accidentally forgot about it in the back of a drawer.

Generally, I like to keep things respectful. If I don’t like a toy, I try to be fair. My personal brand is not built on being the snarkiest person on the block. It’s just not my thing. But this here? This deserves a little heat. In fact, I don’t even know where to begin because it’s basically just two knobs of NOPE connected by a NOPE cord. NOPE cubed. I believe it would be easier to strangle someone with the PicoBong TRANSFORMER than it is to have a decent orgasm with it.

I have a lot of questions about this vibrator. How did it come to be? Who is responsible for the final design? Was there a focus group?

PicoBong TRANSFORMER

Can you see that gunk? Yeah. I’m not putting more effort into cleaning a toy than the manufacturer put into making it. Sorry.

The TRANSFORMER is billed as a sort of vibrator for everyone, transcending sex, gender, and sexual identity. But really, like Lilly recently pointed out, any toy can be used by anyone (as long as you follow basic safety procedures). Not sure about that? Think of it this way: No one is stopping you! If you’re a person with a penis and testicles who likes vibration on them, you can use just about any vibrator to achieve that. I might recommend something flat or with a good amount of surface area, like a wand or Lelo Siri 2, but you could really use whatever your heart desires. You can use the Pure Wand and the Comet Wand anally or vaginally, and they’re not going to ask you about your pronouns before you insert them. A much better way to shop for toys is to consider what you want it to do, not who it’s marketed towards.

Another claim that PicoBong makes with the TRANSFORMER is that you’re supposed to be able to use it like, a million ways. Which is great and all, but none of the ways I’ve tried are even pleasant, much less orgasm-inducing. According to the PicoBong website, it has “10 vibration patterns and multiple speeds”. The low speeds make me question if the thing is even turned on, and the highest speed is still considerably weaker than just about any other vibrating toy that costs a whopping 99 euros.

Worse yet, the vibrations move around in a really peculiar way. First, I tried using the TRANSFORMER clitorally. If you’re a loyal reader, you know that usually, my clit isn’t terribly picky. It can discern quality, but sometimes it just wants to get off. Not so with the TRANSFORMER! My clit was like, “Yawn.” So next, I tried insertion. I mistakenly inserted the side with the controls, so I had to pull that out, insert the other side (with the PicoBong logo stupidly impressed in the silicone), and contend with lubey hands and gunky controls. Once I finally had a comfortable insertion going, it felt… like absolutely nothing. I tried moving it around, but the bullet-like shape isn’t conducive to G-spot stimulation. I tried bringing the control side up and pressing it against my clit, but then the piddly vibrations began jumping around. Each end would pulsate for seemingly no reason, while the connecting tube became the most active vibrating portion. It became an exercise in futility.

“Who is responsible for this?!” I bellowed. The TRANSFORMER is one of the most baffling toys I’ve ever encountered.

PicoBong also suggests using it anally, but I sure don’t want to clean ass-gunk out of those crevices. And as a cockring? You’d have to have a really, really thick cock. Like, the size of someone’s neck. Which brings me to my husband’s brilliant suggestion: Erotic asphyxiation. Yes, that might be the best use for the TRANSFORMER (please do not try this at home!).

If you want true flexibility, buy two or three toys and learn how to use them together. In a few weeks, I’ll be publishing a post on how to combine toys for maximum pleasure. Until then, just don’t buy this. Perhaps PicoBong should stick with more basic designs for now. For instance, I hear the Moka is pretty good.

 

The TRANSFORMER was provided by PicoBong in exchange for an honest review.