Pipedream: the Dane Cook of Sex Toys

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Oh, Pipedream.

I’ve hated them for quite a while. Between sexist marketing, hideous toys, unsafe materials, blatent misogyny, barf-worthy sex dolls… Wait, where was I going with this? I had to take a break to puke.

In short, Pipedream is everything that’s wrong with the adult industry. They’re one of the big boys, and they’ve been around for a while, which makes them think they’re untouchable. And perhaps, for now, they are. But one day, I hope to watch them burn to the ground. (Figuratively. I am not threatening arson, do not make me lawyer up.) What’s got my goat currently, you ask? If you follow the blog on¬†Facebook, or if you’re a personal friend of mine, you might have seen my post this morning. grosspuke Pipedream has released a blow-up sex doll made to look like Jennifer Lawrence, called “J-Law Hacked”. This in itself is gross enough, because she certainly was not asked to consent to be turned into a fuckdoll. But oh, it gets worse. The box features an actress who bears a striking resemblance to Lawrence, in a Katniss Everdeen costume. For those of you unfamiliar with The Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen is a 16 year old girl. Another level of gross!¬†Surrounding her are nude photos made to replicate those leaked during “the Fappening”. Do you have your puke bucket ready? Because this is how Pipedream describes their product:

We’re not sure what came faster, news of J-Laws leaked selfies or the thousands of guys waiting for this day to finally come! She did the world a favor when her sexy selfies spread across the internet, and now Hollywood’s honey is getting naked for the money! If hacked cell phone pics weren’t enough to make J-Law our favorite new selfie slut, her brand new blowup doll is proof that this blockbuster babe is ready for primetime penetration! Just add air and this American hustler transforms into America’s hooker right before your eyes! There’s no silver lining to her 3 love holes, but if you add a little lube they feel great wrapping around every inch of your pleasure rod! Her cloud got hacked so you can get jacked!

It’s one thing to post about this. That’s giving Pipedream the attention they want, and I know that. So I want to challenge you to take it a step further. Pipedream has a contact page that anyone can use – you don’t have to be a part of the industry to contact them. Tell them why you’re angry. Tell them why this is unacceptable, and why they won’t be receiving a single red cent from you. Below is the note that I just sent them. If you’d like to copy it, go right ahead.

Unfortunately, there is not a subject line available from your drop-down menu that simply states the disgust I feel for your latest release. I have never purchased a Pipedream product, though I had my eye on your ceramic line. Now I’m very glad that you’ve never received a cent of my money. Being in the industry myself (I also work as a copywriter and product design consultant), I understand that all publicity is good publicity. I understand that your JLAW doll was created to be shared, to stir up trouble. It was created as a joke. But it’s not a joke. Or at least, it’s not a very good joke. Any joke that punches down instead of up is nothing more than a boring nod to the social norms that are already in place. There is nothing subversive about what you’re doing. You are the Dane Cook of sex toys. I’m not going to beg you to take it down. I’m not going to tell you that you’re better than this. You’re not better than this. Pipedream is a steaming pile of shit, and I can only hope that better brands will eventually, one day, drive you into the ground so that you may return to the hell from whence you came. Have a great day, and don’t strain your shoulder from patting yourself on the back for that clever campaign, you rascals.

If you want to link to the product, do so using donotlink.com, a service that allows you to spread a link without adding to the originator’s web stats, or copy from here.

I’m not the only one who’s disgusted. Here are some choice posts from some of my friends on the matter: