The really weird thing about having a regular full time day job is that you can’t just masturbate willy-nilly. I mean, I’m sure people do it, and more power to them. But I like to be in a certain headspace when I’m jacking off in order to best criticize and evaluate the toys. This is an art, people. And you don’t rush art.

So, what products am I currently reviewing? Oh man.

First up, there’s the Jopen Key Stella II kegel balls. Which, the first time I inserted them, actually caused me marked discomfort. I’m still working up the courage to try again. I know I’m going to have to warm up with the Mini Luna Beads first. Jesus, take the wheel.

Next, there’s the new Tenga Iroha Mini, which I’ll be launching a full review of this weekend. I like it. I think it’s adorable. I wish it were made fully of ABS plastic, but elastomer isn’t the worst, and I trust Tenga’s quality. I actually gave one to one of my close friends for her bridal shower gift, because she’s a vibe newbie and the duo-tone pink matched her wedding colors. I’m a friend you want to have, people.

Third, it’s basically Butt Plugapalooza here at Casa de Marvy. There’s the Tantus Neo, which is uh… bigger than I expected, but has a base that makes me smile. Today, I received two lovely creations from the ballers at BS Atelier: The Suit and the Bingo. Suit is even in a special color combination design, poured for yours truly. They really know how to make a rectum feel special.

Second-to-last, we have the Sqweel Go, which in my personal opinion is more entertaining on Snapchat than it is anywhere near your labia. It’s cute and it’s little but I’m underwhelmed by it.

One thing by which I am definitely not underwhelmed: The Doxy Wand. First of all, it’s as long as my thigh. Fair enough, I’m 4’11”, but still. It’s the biggest, heaviest sex toy I own. Also, it’s got a motor powerful enough to probably power a speed boat. I mean, I’m no boat expert, but I only needed to have it on level 3 – through my underwear – to get the job done. That’s not level 3 out of 5, or even out of 7. It’s level 3 out of 10. Also, it’s probably wise that they include the instruction to not use the Doxy on “any animal or pet”, because as soon as I turned it on, my dog fell off the bed.

What have you had near your parts recently?