I’m not here to make any kind of trite remarks about Valentine’s Day, because frankly, it’s all been said already. Some people love it, some people hate it. One thing you might not realize about Valentine’s Day, though, is that it’s a fantastic opportunity to take advantage of sales on sex toys. I’ve gathered up some of my favorite products to suit a wide range of people so that no matter your Valentine’s plans, you can have the best sex possible. Valentines 1. Minna Limon: Though I’m only just starting the process of testing the Minna Limon, I know already that it’s going to be a go-to toy for me. At first, I was afraid the lemon shape would be difficult to hold and gimmicky. Oh, how wrong I was! This little guy delivers some seriously powerful vibrations, and you can make/record your own patterns. It’s as much fun to use alone as it is to use with a partner, especially if you get a kick out of making the Limon mimic popular tunes. Special Marvelous-Darling.com challenge: Who can get off to the opening notes of “Under the Sea”?

2. Sportsheets Sports Cuffs: As someone with extremely tiny wrists, I really appreciate that these cuffs use super-strong velcro to secure. They can be made as big or small as your body warrants for either wrists or ankles, and are very, very strong. I love that you can take the set apart and affix them to things like tethers, or simply re-connect them after winding them through your headboard (this is where metal or slatted headboards have a distinct advantage). Furthermore, they’re insanely comfortable for restraint devices, and won’t leave any marks that might make you uncomfortable at the office the next day.

3. Sliquid Sassy: As far as I’m concerned, Sassy is the Queen of Lubricants, the Porterhouse of the lube world. (If you think filet mignon is the best steak, then you’re overpaying and under-enjoying. Porterhouse forever.) It’s 100% body-friendly, made without glycerin or parabens, and it’s thick without being gummy. You can use it for vaginal, anal, or even oral sex, because it has virtually no taste and the perfect slippery texture. Sliquid nailed it with Sassy, making it possible for you to nail it in any consensual situation.

4. Lifestyles SKYN condoms: I have never found a condom I like more that’s also as readily available as Lifestyles SKYN. They’re latex-free, which means they’re ideal for latex allergy sufferers (obviously) but also for oral sex, since they don’t suffer from that unpleasant latex smell and taste. They’re ultra, ultra thin, and generously lubed, which allows for a lot of texture to be felt through them. And, unlike lambskin condoms, they do protect against STIs and HIV. If I could get business cards printed on SKYN condoms, I would, and I would hand those suckers out in handfuls.

5. Lelo Luna Beads Mini: There’s been a bit of a controversy over whether the Minis are as good as the Originals. I’ve never experienced the originals, but I’m honestly quite happy with my set. The interior balls are weighted and move about as your body moves, which for me caused quite a bit of a reaction from my PC muscles. The awesome thing about weighted kegel balls like the Luna sets is that they’re not just for exercising: They’re also for pleasure. They act as a slow warm-up, getting your muscles excited and ready for action. I noticed a pretty serious increase in self-lubrication while wearing the Luna Beads. So, whether you’re gearing up for a night with James Deen or a partner in the flesh (if your partner in the flesh is James Deen, I’m a bit jealous1), I think they’re a great choice for anyone who wants to combine exercise and arousal.

6. Tantus Meteorite: The Tantus Meteorite is another product for which I’m working on a review, but again, I’m already enamored. At first glance, I thought this plug was going to be way too big for me. I’m quite the anal novice, having been scared away for far too long. A few months ago, I decided it was high time to get serious about exploring anal pleasure; enter, Meteorite. Like all of Tantus’s amazing products, the Meteorite is made of 100% premium silicone, meaning it’s perfectly body-safe and even shareable, when you take proper cleaning precautions. It’s 1″ in diameter at its widest point, so it’s roughly the size of a thin finger. Though it looks long, if you’re an anal newbie like I am, I assure you that it is extremely comfortable. With a little Sliquid Sassy, the Meteorite was incredibly comfortable to use, and really opened my eyes as to how great anal stimulation can be.

7. Lelo Mia: While the Mia shown is the 1.5, the newest Mia (2.0) is even better. They took my beloved 1.5 and made it waterproof and even more powerful. To begin with, Mia is a little powerhouse. Because it’s constructed of hard ABS plastic, it conducts vibrations extremely well. Combine that with Lelo’s powerful motors, and you have a recipe for success. Mia can be very easily charged by plugging it into any USB outlet, making it extremely portable. Also, it’s quiet. I always take it with me when I travel. If you want a solid, well-made, strong clitoral vibrator that’s built for pinpoint stimulation, you can’t go wrong with Mia 1.5 or 2.0.

8. Vibratex Mystic Wand: It’s not the most famous wand, but I’m inclined to say it’s one of the best. The Mystic Wand is only 8″ long, is made of ABS plastic and silicone, and is powerful enough to actually function as a back and neck massager. In fact, because I’m more interested in pinpoint clitoral stimulation like the Mia provides, that’s how mine normally gets used. But, if you’re in the market for a wand that can stimulate broader areas, like the entire vulva, then you should seriously consider picking up a Mystic Wand. This is the only toy on my list that takes batteries, but I fully believe it’s worth the hassle of stocking 4 AAs. It more than makes up for your trouble by being one of the most powerful, rumbly wand vibrators on the market that doesn’t require a wall outlet.

9. Vixen Creations VixSkin Mustang: In my eyes, the Mustang is the perfect dildo. It’s 6.5″ long and 1.5″ in diameter, making it slightly larger than the supposed average penis, but definitely manageable. VixSkin is an amazing material, made of 100% silicone. It’s two densities, meaning that the core is firmer and the outer layer is softer. Even larger toys made of VixSkin, like the extremely girthy Randy, are made easier to use because of the two densities. It’s also extraordinarily realistic, with a perfect curve and head to gently stimulate the g-spot. If you like the look of the Mustang but think it might be a bit small, it’s cousin Maverick might just be the dildo for you. (PS: SheVibe still has Mustang in Tie Bright and Fluor-a-Pink which I highly recommend. Everyone needs a bit of whimsy.) Additionally, SheVibe has some great sales happening right now. The Lelo Mona 2, which I’ll be reviewing shortly, is on sale for 15% off. It’s been widely heralded as a holy grail, so I can’t wait to get my hands on it. All Tenga products are 15% off as well, which means you can finally get your hands on an amazing masturbator sleeve  like the Flip Hole. And, f you really want to invest in a beautiful piece for your pleasure kit, select Fucking Sculptures are on sale for 25% off, like the stunning Hooded Nun.

  1. Please read, cw: rape.