When Epiphora put out the call for people willing to test a new condom (Unique Pull Condoms), of course I threw my hat in the ring. I’m a big proponent of condoms, even though they tend to get a bad rap. But nothing – not even the DocJohnson miniature Lucid Dreams vibe that I actually threw away rather than waste time writing one word about – has ever frustrated me as much as those motherfucking Unique Pull Condoms.

Below, I’ve photographed the Unique Pull condom on my Tantus Raptor, and the Lifestyles Skyn on my Vixen Creations VixSkin Mustang (in Tie Bright, naturally). Notice the crinkly effect on the head of the Raptor, absent on the head of the Mustang.


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Doesn’t this kind of look like the poster for a buddy cop movie, if the cops were premium silicone dildos?

Everyone has seen a health instructor roll a condom over a banana or a cucumber, either in real life or on Degrassi. Condoms are not difficult to use. You add a drop of lube, you pinch the tip, you roll it on, and you do that every single time. So imagine my surprise to open a giant envelope containing 3 condoms and 3 pages of instructions. Now, I’ve put several varieties of condoms on a fair few penises in my lifetime. I wouldn’t call myself an expert, but I’m definitely no novice. And yet, when I opened that condom packet for the first time, I was actually glad I had taken the time to read the instructions, because it was like being confronted with the Rubik’s Cube of prophylactics.

Unique Pull Condoms are supposed to be somehow easier to put on because of the two tabs you use to pull them over an erect penis. Well, the notion of “easy” for me does not usually involve my partner yelping in pain. He was not amused.  (The Raptor faired a bit better, but that’s probably because it’s not attached to a human.) Once it was on, we noticed a strange phenomenon: There were crinkling, crackling sounds coming from my vagina. That’s not really conducive to setting the mood, but we tried to move past it because we were hell bent on using the King-sized hotel bed we had for the weekend. A noble effort was made, but the chafing became too much. Upon pull-out, he exclaimed, “It’s like fucking with a plastic bag!” Indeed, it had somehow inflated and was showing a seam roughly the size of a line of cocaine across the tip (I know this now because I saw The Wolf of Wallstreet). We scrapped the Unique Pull, grabbed one of our trusty Lifestyles Skyns, and attempted to salvage the afternoon.

Only later did I find out that the damn thing is lubricated with Vaseline. Vaseline belongs, if anywhere, on your lips or the tip of your nose after a cold leaves you flaky. Not ever, ever, ever in a vagina. Never. This may have actually been the cause of some of the discomfort, because my vagina is notoriously choosy about lubricants.

So, alright, I will concede that the Unique Pull Condom did not tear, cause an allergic reaction, or spontaneously combust. But those are three things that I’ve come to expect as the bare minimum for an acceptable form of birth control. I’m not interested in the bare minimum, and I’m not about to recommend it to my readers or Piph’s.