…at two price points!


If you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day this year with a partner, usually, you best be prepared. The traditional route is flowers and chocolates, but if you shop last minute, you’ll get shitty varieties and likely be swindled. Market prices are a bitch. But despair no longer!
I’m dividing this guide by two price points: Less than/Greater than $50

1. Cheapie McFrugalson: Less than $50

For whatever reason, you’re hurtin’ for funds in VDay department. No problem! There are plenty of DIY options and less expensive alternatives to the solutions that cost the big bucks.
If you just recently got together, no sweat. You can make this sweet and casual. People love edibles, and people love nudity. If you’ve been getting nude together for a while, this shakes things up. Grab some Nutella, Hot Fudge, or Caramel Sauce, a spoon, and some unscented baby wipes. $3 fun, people. (Do not get these items near the vagina. Sugar = yeast. Yeast =/= fun.)

If you want to experiment with toys, this is a great opportunity to introduce something that some couples might consider a little cray. Look for Screaming O cockrings, vibrators made of ABS Plastic, and a good lube (like System JO or Sliquid). Your time for shipping is pretty much shot to hell, so you’re going to have to rely on a local store. If you have none around you, head to a CVS. You and I both know that 1/2 of all battery operated toothbrushes are not being used dentally, and many now sell Astroglide Natural.

2. Richie Rich: Greater than $50 (and can I get sued for this?)

Oooh big spender! My kind of shopper. Says the girl with two digits in her checking account right now. But I digress…

If you can get Amazon next day shipping, take advantage of that. It’s a costlier option, but Amazon has an amazing (if slightly hidden) selection. You can find many or most Lelo, Fun Factory, and Sportsheets products. If you’d like to stay under $100, I recommend the Lelo Mia 2 and a set of Sportsheets SportCuffs. With these brands, you know the quality is high, so you can feel safe shopping last minute. You won’t get stuck with a crappy, buzzy vibe or a toy that’s unsafe.

If you want to keep it local, head to the grocery store like Cheapie McFrugalson did earlier and you should also pick up some Nutella, Chocolate Sauce, or Caramel Sauce, and some unscented baby wipes. Because you are about to have some delicious fun, my friend. (Again, do not get these items near the vagina.) With your extra $, grab some chocolate chips or candy crumbles, and some non-dairy whipped topping. HUMAN SUNDAES. You’re welcome.

In terms of local shopping, particularly for toys, check your local stores for any of the above mentioned brands. To get a little of everything, I recommend picking up a Screaming O cock ring, a Tristan Taormino DVD sex guide, a bottle of good lube (Sliquid, Good Clean Love, Pink), and a clitoral vibe (Lelo Mia 2, WeVibe Tango (Salsa has been discontinued), WeVibe Tango).

I hope this was a helpful primer for those of you headed out to purchase last minute gifts!